Have A Read.

Good morning 3am for me. So I nearly got through yesterday without crying except it was late and none of the kids were around. I thought I was doing well but every time I think about cancer I can't help but well up. Everything I watch nearly has a cancer story line to it. There are days when I'm in pain and just begging God for a cure. I mean why me again and this time with no cure. I'm not doing chemotherapy today I'm not up to it with my chest and been on steroids they wouldn't treat me anyway I guess this way I'm getting a bit of a brake to. Have not been doing good since my last visit to the hospital seems like every time I have my week off I have health problems. Kevin says I'm strong and can deal with things good but me on the other hand think I'm falling to pieces. I'm feeling like a very old lady who can't get around much or go very much or go very far. I'm trying to get better so I can go see Sarah Sullivan's baby when ever he decides to arrive. Just got Netflix hundreds of movies to try take my mind off cancer but it's something I can never get away from. If I need anything or want anything Kevin sorts me out makes sure I take my medicine and nebulizer if I am upset he is there for me. I can't help but think when the end of the road is for me and it's very scary considering I have had a few brushes with death already. Writing this since three am and good thing is my side is not hurting it's been giving me hassle for days now. I'm going out with Kevin and the kids for a bit today and that should cheer me up a bit. I don't want to be sick it's not what I signed up for I want to be able to live a normal life go places and enjoy it not having to worry about my life every three months. Anyway thank you for all the love and support I'm hoping for a good day today. I also hope everyone else has a good day. X x x

I Won't Quit.

Been feeling tired and emotional since chemo last Friday and they bloody hurt me in the hospital. Everyday is a struggle to do things even the nurses tell me to take extra cleaners for an hour. Kevin myself and the kids clean the House it's not even talking about cleaning. Walking with my slipped pelvis and cancer there to. The pain it takes to walk into the kitchen or to stand for longer then five minutes people have no idea fighting constantly to stay awake from all the medication I'm on. Using the trolly to hold me up in the store little things people take for granted is such a mission to me. I can't be strong all the time I mean I'm not a robot I hate to cry in front of my kids but just rarely it cannot be helped then I feel bad after it. I won't quit no matter how hard it is I'll keep going.

Some Times I'm Happy.

It's just sometimes I get upset. I can be happy and not always down normally something happens like if I'm in a lot of pain or someone does something nice I might get emotional. But it's just a few days here and there. Most of the time I'm fine and am happy out. I do get annoyed at the hospital when it's taken three and four times just to get a little blood out. I'm handling my chemotherapy just fine Kevin came up with the brain storm of me taking chemotherapy at night and I do be perfectly fine next day it makes me very tired but not sick so that's a good thing. At the minute I'm in a really bad way with my back but hoping I can walk proper soon. Thanks for all your lovely kind posts and support I do feel really lucky that way. — feeling loved.

Flowers For A Year.

I have four Aunties left, Two that I don't see and 2 that I do see. The Aunties that I don't see I talk to on Facebook. Except Noramai It's strange and nice after having no contact for years and to be able to talk to nearly all of the Aunties again. It's sad circumstances but on the other hand good I have so many cousins out there I don't even know half of them. There was a competition on Facebook where you have to nominate someone who you think deserves flowers for a year and why you think they deserve them and this is what my aunty Helen said. Helen Costello I would love my niece Catherine Guerin to win this, because she is going through cancer for a long time n in all that she has never once complained really she is one of the strongest people I know n tho I haven't seen her in a good few years I think about her everyday, thank you. I saw this post and was very touched by it.my Aunty Dena and Marie just spoil me rotten without a doubt. I get to talk to my Aunty Cathy and she likes to read my posts to see how I'm doing. My cousins have been great coming to see me and spoil me like crazy. I'm not used to all this love and affection but it's nice.I have been friends on twitter with someone and she sent me a lovely prayerbook with prayers for everyday. I am a lucky girl.

Withdrawl.

So my nurse called today and I told her about forgetting to take my Oxycontin the other morning when I fell back to sleep. I told her I was aggravated all day and had cold like symptoms she told me I was going through withdrawal symptoms and she said if it ever happened again that I have to take my break through every four hours until it's time to take the night Oxycontin tablet because the tablet starts to come out of your system after twelve hours so I won't miss that tablet again.

Keep Writing.

Look at me 4.22am in the morning I've been awake a while so what better to do when you can't sleep is write! Yesterday I read how a 32yr old had throat cancer and it spread to her chest and she died! I have a lump on my jaw it's not Hugh but big enough to notice and it's been there for a while worrying me I'm hoping it's an abscess or maybe something to do with the bone strengthener injection I get every six weeks. I need to mention it and see what's going on. I should have my three month scan coming up early next month so it's nearly that time to worry again till after I get results. It's very scary with all the waiting. this week I had chemo off and I always feel great on my week of chemo it's something to look forward to. I need to get my book up and running so much work to do there but I like to write and hopefully it'll take things off my mind. Kevin has been great looking after me he really wants me to write this book we both think we can help people going through cancer that have no clue of what's in store for them. I wear my bracelet and ring everyday that I got from Theresa Dillon and Robert Dillon I love them so much I never take them off. A few good things keep me going like Kevin loving me no matter what way I look actually been there for me when I'm upset which I try not to do so often. The help and love that I get from my kids caring for me making sure I'm ok. The visits that I look forward to so much even though time flys by when people are here and it's time to go again. So much love and support from cousins aunts and people I don't even know properly it's crazy. All the medical professional team that I never had first time getting breast cancer it's a lot to take in. Sarah Sullivan and Cameron are coming to see me for a few days and I'm so looking forward to that. Don't see them often enough and it'll be harder when the new baby comes along after Christmas. In one way I feel so lucky I mean my support network is amazing I just don't want to die I want to keep fighting and pushing through the pain no matter what. I'm strong in some ways and I don't want rougher treatment where all treatment would be through a drip and I'd lose my hair because I'd have no hope of getting it back as chemo is not going to stop unless it doesn't work anymore.

What Gets Me Through The Day?

So I'm asked how do I get through the day and it's a very good question for people to maybe understand how things really are. Partner, kids, family. Cousins. Aunt's and god. I try to get through the day without thinking to much about my cancer because when I do just sometimes I'm in floods of tears.I Feel like that I have to be strong around Margaret Stephen Sarah and visitors. Sometimes it makes me so upset that I can't talk about it then other times I'm fine with questions and feelings. Inside me the question is always there why me ? Then my answer is we all have to suffer in someway it's just how it works.Although I feel like I'm aching so much inside. Pain wise I take 90mg of oxyconton morning and night along with break through 30mg of oxynorm. I also have pain patches. It's a lot and sometimes I don't need to take all that other night's I do. I suffer bad with back pain slipped pelvis and cancer on top of that, my knees hurt so bad from cancer and sometimes my shoulders. On top of that is the asthma with I have a nebulizer for so I thank god for that. It is a lot of physical and emotional pain it's very hard to deal with. I have more bad days then good days but I can keep that hidden pretty well when I have to. I do so much enjoy the visits from everyone that want to come and see me but there is no pressure from me. I don't want to up the strong medicine as high as I can because what happens if I get worse? what options am I left with?