I Won't Quit.

Been feeling tired and emotional since chemo last Friday and they bloody hurt me in the hospital. Everyday is a struggle to do things even the nurses tell me to take extra cleaners for an hour. Kevin myself and the kids clean the House it's not even talking about cleaning. Walking with my slipped pelvis and cancer there to. The pain it takes to walk into the kitchen or to stand for longer then five minutes people have no idea fighting constantly to stay awake from all the medication I'm on. Using the trolly to hold me up in the store little things people take for granted is such a mission to me. I can't be strong all the time I mean I'm not a robot I hate to cry in front of my kids but just rarely it cannot be helped then I feel bad after it. I won't quit no matter how hard it is I'll keep going.

Some Times I'm Happy.

It's just sometimes I get upset. I can be happy and not always down normally something happens like if I'm in a lot of pain or someone does something nice I might get emotional. But it's just a few days here and there. Most of the time I'm fine and am happy out. I do get annoyed at the hospital when it's taken three and four times just to get a little blood out. I'm handling my chemotherapy just fine Kevin came up with the brain storm of me taking chemotherapy at night and I do be perfectly fine next day it makes me very tired but not sick so that's a good thing. At the minute I'm in a really bad way with my back but hoping I can walk proper soon. Thanks for all your lovely kind posts and support I do feel really lucky that way. — feeling loved.

Flowers For A Year.

I have four Aunties left, Two that I don't see and 2 that I do see. The Aunties that I don't see I talk to on Facebook. Except Noramai It's strange and nice after having no contact for years and to be able to talk to nearly all of the Aunties again. It's sad circumstances but on the other hand good I have so many cousins out there I don't even know half of them. There was a competition on Facebook where you have to nominate someone who you think deserves flowers for a year and why you think they deserve them and this is what my aunty Helen said. Helen Costello I would love my niece Catherine Guerin to win this, because she is going through cancer for a long time n in all that she has never once complained really she is one of the strongest people I know n tho I haven't seen her in a good few years I think about her everyday, thank you. I saw this post and was very touched by it.my Aunty Dena and Marie just spoil me rotten without a doubt. I get to talk to my Aunty Cathy and she likes to read my posts to see how I'm doing. My cousins have been great coming to see me and spoil me like crazy. I'm not used to all this love and affection but it's nice.I have been friends on twitter with someone and she sent me a lovely prayerbook with prayers for everyday. I am a lucky girl.

Withdrawl.

So my nurse called today and I told her about forgetting to take my Oxycontin the other morning when I fell back to sleep. I told her I was aggravated all day and had cold like symptoms she told me I was going through withdrawal symptoms and she said if it ever happened again that I have to take my break through every four hours until it's time to take the night Oxycontin tablet because the tablet starts to come out of your system after twelve hours so I won't miss that tablet again.

Keep Writing.

Look at me 4.22am in the morning I've been awake a while so what better to do when you can't sleep is write! Yesterday I read how a 32yr old had throat cancer and it spread to her chest and she died! I have a lump on my jaw it's not Hugh but big enough to notice and it's been there for a while worrying me I'm hoping it's an abscess or maybe something to do with the bone strengthener injection I get every six weeks. I need to mention it and see what's going on. I should have my three month scan coming up early next month so it's nearly that time to worry again till after I get results. It's very scary with all the waiting. this week I had chemo off and I always feel great on my week of chemo it's something to look forward to. I need to get my book up and running so much work to do there but I like to write and hopefully it'll take things off my mind. Kevin has been great looking after me he really wants me to write this book we both think we can help people going through cancer that have no clue of what's in store for them. I wear my bracelet and ring everyday that I got from Theresa Dillon and Robert Dillon I love them so much I never take them off. A few good things keep me going like Kevin loving me no matter what way I look actually been there for me when I'm upset which I try not to do so often. The help and love that I get from my kids caring for me making sure I'm ok. The visits that I look forward to so much even though time flys by when people are here and it's time to go again. So much love and support from cousins aunts and people I don't even know properly it's crazy. All the medical professional team that I never had first time getting breast cancer it's a lot to take in. Sarah Sullivan and Cameron are coming to see me for a few days and I'm so looking forward to that. Don't see them often enough and it'll be harder when the new baby comes along after Christmas. In one way I feel so lucky I mean my support network is amazing I just don't want to die I want to keep fighting and pushing through the pain no matter what. I'm strong in some ways and I don't want rougher treatment where all treatment would be through a drip and I'd lose my hair because I'd have no hope of getting it back as chemo is not going to stop unless it doesn't work anymore.

What Gets Me Through The Day?

So I'm asked how do I get through the day and it's a very good question for people to maybe understand how things really are. Partner, kids, family. Cousins. Aunt's and god. I try to get through the day without thinking to much about my cancer because when I do just sometimes I'm in floods of tears.I Feel like that I have to be strong around Margaret Stephen Sarah and visitors. Sometimes it makes me so upset that I can't talk about it then other times I'm fine with questions and feelings. Inside me the question is always there why me ? Then my answer is we all have to suffer in someway it's just how it works.Although I feel like I'm aching so much inside. Pain wise I take 90mg of oxyconton morning and night along with break through 30mg of oxynorm. I also have pain patches. It's a lot and sometimes I don't need to take all that other night's I do. I suffer bad with back pain slipped pelvis and cancer on top of that, my knees hurt so bad from cancer and sometimes my shoulders. On top of that is the asthma with I have a nebulizer for so I thank god for that. It is a lot of physical and emotional pain it's very hard to deal with. I have more bad days then good days but I can keep that hidden pretty well when I have to. I do so much enjoy the visits from everyone that want to come and see me but there is no pressure from me. I don't want to up the strong medicine as high as I can because what happens if I get worse? what options am I left with?

My Beautiful Fight like A Girl Bangle.

I want to thank Robert Dillon and Theresa Dillon so so much for the beautiful fight like a girl bangle it was a Hugh surprise I was like oh my god I love it so so much it's going on my wrist and staying there along with my fight like a girl ring. I'm so so grateful I really am thank you so so much I can't express my gratitude enough. Xxx

Support, Support, Support.

Like I don't know where to start everyone has been fantastic support for me. I'm like wowed the love and support from Kevin, kids. My family cousins. Aunt's and just so many people's blessings prayers gifts. I am very grateful for all the support it makes me want to fight more. I feel lucky and have never felt as much love in my life as I do with everyone behind me all the way. The visits I know it's a long drive here for family but I do very much appreciate them. when I look at myself I say like I don't deserve all this special treatment but on the other hand I'm extremely happy. Been doing a lot of reading and thinking lately that I am one lucky lady in one way and not so lucky cancer wise. It's a fight I'm never going to give up on. this time round its hard but having so much support is really helping me through my fight so thank you so so much. Xxx

A Nice Post From My Youngest Daughter and My Reply Back To Her.

love you so much mummy your so amazing and strong and the most funniest person ever lol you've been there for me and I'm just so lucky to have you as a mum and i love the way we have loads of laughs together i miss you loads when i go away and sadly tomorrow I'm ditching you again but i love you more than anyone i actually don't know where id be without you. Thank you daughter that means so much to me to hear you say such lovely things I love you Sarah and Stephen and Cameron with all my heart. Yes we do have some amazing laughs with each other. Love the thought that you can come to me when you have things on your mind and we can work through them. You do have a beautiful smile and I know you make me happy when your around. I love you xxx

Like It Or Not.

I get the impression that some people don't like me writing about my cancer journey but a lot more people do like me writing about it and I'll continue to write if you don't like what I write you can unfriend me. not only does writing make me feel better but it also shows other people a better idea of cancer and who better to tell it then a cancer patient. If you really want a long read since the first time I was diagnosed with breast cancer then you can go to Walshdiary.blogspot.ie hundreds of posts you can pick to read. so I took my chemo Saturday night at about ten pm woke up Sunday feeling fine again I'm happy not to be feeling the way I'd been feeling for months and for five days at a time I just hope the chemo is still working. Thank you for reading my cancer posts I'm just giving the facts that many people don't get to hear about or understand

I Fight Like A Girl Ring.

"I fight like a girl" those five little words mean so much to me because four years ago when I had the breast cancer for the first time my fight was very rough treatment was rough and my children were very upset I told them I would fight all the way and that I was not going anywhere. I spent most of the year sleeping and feeling very weak. On my blog there is a button that says click here for free mammograms and it donates a euro for mammograms. Then when your on that page you come to the pink ribbon shop which has loads of fight like a girl stuff in it. Ordered breast cancer pink ribbon earrings two silicone wrist bands one said I fight like a girl and the other one said I'm a survivor. I kept the fight like a girl band and gave Molly the I'm a survivor band there were loads of people in the kitchen and I could not get to Molly to kiss and hug her I looked at her and she looked at me it was like we both felt something strong like a bond without saying anything. I wore my pink fight like a girl for 4 years straight without taking it off once it reminded me of Molly and that how much I had to fight and stay alive I was gutted when it broke but now I have a beautiful fight like a girl ring that I will cherish because this time my fight is bigger then the last one with having breast and bone cancer to fight against and I won't give up when times are tough ill look at my ring and keep fighting not just for myself but for my children grandchildren Kevin and all my family (so so many family lol ) I'm so so happy with my ring so thank you again Theresa Dillon Robert Dillon and family. I'm a lucky girl with so many wonderful family members. (Meaning family cousins aunty's) another update done for a while x

Happy Birthday Kevin Johnson.

Kevin Johnson I want to wish you a very happy 38th birthday. I love you lots and will try make sure you have a good day tomorrow. Your very special to me with so much love to give to all the kids and I know you love me because there is so much taking care of me. Tomorrow I'll make your birthday nice hopefully you won't have to do anything tomorrow but relax. Happy birthday honey.!xxx

Writing.

OK so I have not been posting like I normally do. Sometimes I let things build up in my head for a while but I know exactly what I want to write about I write here. on my blog and on Twitter so I tell myself girl you need to keep up to date lol. So I have decided after so so long that I am going to write a book about cancer. Thanks everyone for spoiling me so much with gifts. visits. Prayer. Cards. Kind words in posts and so on I could go on forever but I'm trying to watch Emerdale ha ha. On a serious note love you all. Xxx

Cancer In The Ribs.

Woke up one morning only to find I could not sit up in bed my youngest daughter tried to help me but she couldn't I was screaming with pain in my ribs every time I tried to move. I thought it was chest pain that I'd had for about 3 days. I had an appointment in Dublin with my oncologist and I didn't want to miss the appointment that is why I didn't want to go to accident and emergency in Killkenny. When I got to the hospital the nurse asked me how I was doing I said not good and that I had chest pain for about 3 days and that I could not walk properly either. She said I didn't look well and got the doctor to see me pretty quickly. Had a load of tests done and it turned out to be cancer not chest pain. They kept me in hospital for a week done some more tests and managed to get my pain under control I felt so much better not been in pain anymore. The nurse told me never to leave chest pain like that again and that chest pain was nothing to mess with. Could not believe that the cancer was in different places. I have a team of doctors and nurses looking after me I have the public health nurse,the palliative care team nurses,my oncologist,my doctor,occupation nurse I think that should just about do it lol.

Wheelchair And Pain Relief.

Before I was diagnosed with having breast cancer again along with bone cancer I was in a lot of pain. I remember trying to walk from my bedroom to the sitting room and been in severe pain that I had to go doctors. When I got there Mrs Blade could see how much pain I was in and let me into the doctor before anyone else. He took a blood test to see what was wrong. He told me to lay on his couch bed but I couldn't lay down without screaming in pain he had to give me a morphine injection to ease the pain a little. Mrs Blade is MR Blades wife and the receptionist and MR Blade is the doctor. That's how I found out I had bone cancer. Mrs Blade said she'd never seen anyone in as much pain as I was. I was put on so much pain medication and other medication for different reasons it was crazy. I'd never been the type of person to take tablets unless it was necessary for me to take them. I was put on very strong painkillers which made me very sick I was throwing up four to five times a day then I was giving anti-sickness tablets to stop me from throwing up and they didn't work eventually they gave me a special tablet that has to ordered and it worked. My aunty Molly had a wheelchair for when she had cancer and needed to get around, Sadly she passed away and my cousins gave me her wheelchair. I felt a bit embarrassed using it at first but after a while I was also glad to have it. now I'm walking around on short walks without having to use the wheelchair.

Chemotherapy.

Yesterday I went back to the hospital to have my bloods checked as usual on a Friday before chemo. Normally they can't find a good vein to take blood from and it takes two or three attempts because my veins are so small this week they got some blood at the first attempt which made me happy. I got a call from oncology saying "your blood count is a bit low but go ahead and take your chemo" I waited till nine o clock then Kevin gave me an anti-sickness tablet then at ten pm I took my four chemo tablets. Wondering how the chemo was going to effect me this morning when I woke up again I felt fine like I had not even taken any chemo. I'm not sure what to make of the situation do I feel happy cause I am not all messed up for five days after taking chemo? or do I worry in case the chemo just has stopped working? or have I just mastered the right time to take my chemo? I do be very tired and never get much sleep at all. From time to time I do be sick of it all I mean them needles hurt so much and I have to have them so often it's just not fair. I get needles in the stomach,legs,arms. They are not nice at all and sometimes make me really fed up even though I take paracetamol half an hour before I get the leg injection which is the Herceptin for the breast cancer.Next week is my week off Chemotherapy I do look forward to my weeks off Chemotherapy.

Accident And Emergency.

So I have this pain in my side for over a week. A strong pain that didn't go away. I had a hospital appointment to have an echocardogram and I could not lay down flat because of the pain. The nurse asked me if I would mention it to oncology the other day so I said ok. So today I went to accident and emergency and they told me to go straight to x-ray I had my x-ray and was then told to go back to oncology. I went back to oncology then had to go back to accident and emergency, the doctor looked at the x-ray said the cancer was pushing my ribs at an angle and sent me back to oncology. Finally I had my treatment which was the injection into the stomach. I got the go ahead to take my chemo tablets later on today. what a busy day I'm so tired. They have organised a public health nurse to come out and dress my breast wound.

Chemotherapy.

The Chemo tablets I have been taken for months were having an effect on me. I would be feeling pretty tired and weak and had this strange feeling that would last for about five days. Recently the Chemo tablets that I have been taking seem to not be effecting me in the same way so I don't know if that is a good thing or not. I get very tired easily and there are lots of house choirs to do. Margaret which is my youngest daughter helps me out so much if she sees me cleaning she will stop me and do the job for me. Stephen which is my second eldest child helps out a little when he is asked.

Scan Results Good News.

On Tuesday 5th August I went to the hospital to get my 3 monthly scan results. Kevin and Margaret came with me. We sat in the waiting room as I waited for my name to be called. I was very nervous wondering if the cancer treatment was working. I was praying that the Cancer had not spread to any other organs. My doctor called my name and Kevin and I walked down the corridor to her office, I was terrified. She said "I have good news cancer treatment is working". I was so pleased to hear her say them words. I felt such a sigh of relief like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. She spoke about having lots of different treatment types and about putting a line in my chest down the road to make it easier for me to receive treatment because my veins are so small and only the left arm can be used.

Visitors.

Since I have been diagnosed with bone cancer people have been making more of an effort to visit me which is nice. Margaret comes the most to visit me. mum comes sometimes with her. I have seen Ellen,Adam,Tilly,Tony,Andrew, James. It does be nice to catch up with everyone from time to time. My aunty Dena wants to come see me next time with my mum. People have to come and see me on my good weeks it's better for them and me if they do it like that.

Chemotherapy And CT Scan.

So yesterday I went to the hospital with Kevin and Margaret. I had some blood tests taken to see if my body is ok for Chemotherapy. The Herceptin was given in injection form in the leg over 5 minutes. Sometimes the injection does hurt quite a bit. Then I had to make my way down for my CT scan.I had to drink loads of orange with some special stuff in it so that it shows up the body images better on the scan. As I was down there I got a phone call to say my blood was clotting in the bottle and they needed to take a repeat blood test. By the time we got out of the hospital it was 1pm. Margaret says "every time I go to the hospital we are stuck here for hours" Sometimes when it's just Kevin and I we get out quicker. Yesterday before I took my Chemotherapy I was feeling great I took it late Friday night and Saturday morning I felt very rough I had like really bad cold symptoms,could not eat my dinner,slept for hours,feeling hot and cold,weak, will be feeling that way for about 5 days then have 2 good days before I have to go back for my next dose of Chemo. I so look forward to my week off Chemo. On Tuesday I go to see my Oncologist for the results of my CT Scan.

Asthma Attack.

I have been diagnosed with Asthma since I was 21 and I never experienced a severe attack until after I was diagnosed with bone Cancer. The house I live in is very big and cold and takes a lot to heat up the house. I had been to the doctors a few days before the attack about my chest turns out I had a chest infection and the doctor asked me if I had a home nebulizer I said no that I didn't have one and he wrote me a note to the hospital for me to get one. Next day we went to the hospital to pick up the nebulizer. It was freezing one night and my chest didn't feel to good and I went to the bathroom and started wheezing like mad I could not catch my breath, I struggled to my room where the nebulizer was and could not talk to tell anyone to set the nebulizer up for me. I pointed instead and Kevin knew what to do. I was never so scared in my life I could feel something strange happening in my head as I was struggling to breath as soon as the nebulizer was given i was ok felt much better been able to breath again. To this day I dread to think what would have happened if I'd not have gotten that new nebulizer.

Treatment Plan.

Kevin and I went to see my oncologist to discuss my new treatment plan. I also have secondary breast cancer back again in the left breast. I'm back on the Herceptin again after four years. little did I know that you could have Herceptin in the form of an injection which takes about five minutes to have rather then having the Herceptin through a drip. I have to have the Herceptin injection once every three weeks. I also learned that I could take my Chemotherapy in tablet form instead of a drip.I take 4 Chemotherapy tablets for two weeks on and then the third week off. I take bone strengthener injection form into my stomach once every six weeks. Treatment is so different in my new hospital takes a bit of getting used to. it's so much quicker means you don't have to hang around the hospital for hours on end.

Cancer Again This Time Bone Cancer !

On friday the 21st of March I got a call to go to the hospital for my bone scan results. They told me the cancer came back in my bones and kept me in hospital for a week to try manage my pain. Everyone was in shock and all upset again. The plan so far is for me to have radiotherapy for 5 days to manage the pain then to find out about my treatment plan. It sucks having cancer back again after nearly been cancer free for 4 years.

Valentines Day.

Things are not so bad all the time. I had a great valentines day. Some beautiful perfume,chinese,. Lovely nice relaxing day with kevin. Kids went to their older sisters for the weekend. Got to rest my bacak a lot And chill out and watch movies and take some things of my mind like bone cancer.

Please Don't Tell Me I Have Cancer Again !

I took a trip to the doctors yesterday. The doctor told me my blood test results were back. They done a bone test to see why I am in so much pain with my back. The blood test should have come back at 130 and they came back at 204. I was asked if anyone in the family had bone cancer and I answered no. He wrote a letter to a bone specialist marked urgent. I have to wait and see what happens now. I hope and pray I don't have cancer again.

Update On Matters

I had my check up in december everything went well. I have to have a chest x-ray next month to check on the scaring on my lung from the radiotherapy. Still have tightening in the side I had surgery on. I'm still waiting to have surgery on my right breast hopefully I will hear something soon.