My Very Last Day Of The Steroids.

Today is my very last day of taking steroids and that makes me happy. No more nights of not been able to sleep and been kept awake all night. No more depression when your coming off the steroids. I had been taking the steroids as early as I could in the mornings so I would be able to take the second lot by lunch time because if you take the second lot of steroids any later then lunchtime they keep you up the whole night long. They are not nice to take and they have to be taken 3 days running which is the day before Chemo, the day of Chemo, and the day after Chemo to stop you having a reaction to the Chemo. I found out I have to have the Herceptin till next June because that is when I had my first treatment but at least I don't have to take steroids for the Herceptin. So my advice to anyone starting steroids for Chemo is to take them as early as you possibly can in the morning and make sure you take the second lot nice and early like lunch time so your not kept awake all night. The first time I took them I left 12 hours between the second lot because no one told me any different or that I had to take the second lot lunchtime and I was awake the whole night long.

I Had My Last Big Chemo Day Today.

Today kevin and I left for the hospital at 8.30 am. The doctor called me at 10am said he was happy to let treatment go ahead today. He checked me out and said my chest was ok and asked me if I had any questions for him I said yes I do I asked him if the swelling in my arm and hand was due to the Chemo or Lymphoedema and he said it was the Lymphoedema I then asked him how long I would have that problem and he said I could suffer with it for life. We then left the hospital for a few hours and had to go back at 1pm for the chemotherapy. The Chemotherapy took till 5pm to finish so it was a really long and stressful day. I got a call from the radiotherapy hospital during Chemo asking if I could go back again next Thursday to have another CT scan because the other one was not good enough so I said yes that I would go back next Thursday. The nurse told me that that was normal and nothing to worry about. So lots more running around next week with hospital appointments and suffering from fatigue that sucks bad.
I was told next Wednesday and the Wednesday after are just the short Herceptin Chemo then the week after the Herceptin goes to a higher dose once every 3 weeks and takes an hour to complete treatment instead of the lower dose of a half an hour.

My Last Big Chemo Day Today.

Today is supposed to be my last big Chemo day if the doctor gives the go ahead. I'm suffering with a cold and chest infection that I just seem to not be able to kick. I don't want anything getting in my way of my last big Chemo session. It has been a very hard few months for everyone and everyone is looking forward to the end of all that horrible Chemo especially me. The kids and Kevin are very happy today is the last one and I cant say I blame any of them. It has been just as hard for them as it has for me.
They have had to watch me suffer and go through so many feelings especially Kevin. Kevin has been by my side every single step of the way and had to put up with everything from anger, depression, sickness, stress, lack of sleep, dealing with the house and kids. He has been an absolute angel to me and has helped me cope in so many ways. kevin will be with me through all the Radiotherapy treatment as well. Nothing makes me happier then having Kevin here with me. All I can say is I hope the last big nasty Chemo session goes ahead today. Then it will just be the little Herceptin days for 3 more Wednesdays after before the Herceptin goes to once every 3 weeks for a year and 5 weeks of Radiotherapy from Monday to Friday.

Here Is A List Of Some Side Effects Of Chemotherapy.

This is a list of some of the side effects of Chemotherapy that I have gone through. Everyone is different and not everyone goes through the same side effects. Some people suffer worse then others and others have few side effects to deal with. I guess it depends on the individual.

Hair Loss.
I was told I would lose all my hair. I didn't lose it all I still have some hair, eye brows, eyelashes. I don't have much hair but what I do have is still growing.

Dry Mouth.
I have to say a few days after the big Chemotherapy sessions my mouth does get very sore and dry. The roof of my mouth feels like it's peeling away and it lasts for a couple of days. The tip of my tongue gets very red and sore and stings a little for a few days to.

Numbness.
After the 4th Chemo session my toes started to feel numb and still feel that way. The tips of my fingers get a tiny little bit numb but nothing major to cope with.

Nails.
I managed to keep all my nails on my fingers and toes. They changed color from a pink to a brown color.

Fatigue.
This is something I suffer bad from in my legs and feet. The tiredness in my legs and feet are so bad that when I walk it's like trying to walk up a steep hill. It's the best way for me to describe it. It does not go away with rest and when I'm lying down they ache and throb like mad. A little tip from me. Buy some Peppermint Gel to help with fatigue in the legs it does help and can be got from any health shop.

Depression.
The steroids you have to take the day before Chemo, day of Chemo, day after Chemo, tend to make some people stay awake all night while your on them and depressed when they wear off for a couple of days. The best advice I can give is to sleep as much as possible and make the days go by a little faster to where you start to feel a little better.

Tiredness.
The Chemotherapy does make me tired. I do what I can in the mornings that seems to be my best time of the day for energy. By the after noon I'm pretty tired and I do have little sleeps to help me feel a bit better. Everyone is different so just rest as much as you can.

Taste.
Your taste goes off really bad and the food tastes different soon after the first Big Chemo day and does not come back till the Chemotherapy ends. For me I can taste really sweet things, soups, spices, Milk shakes, Different things work for different people.

Hot Flushes.
I'm going through hot flushes and for me thats sweating on the head a and face and only for a few minutes. Not sure if that is from the Chemo or the Menopause. The Chemotherapy stops you from having periods and can cause early Menopause.

Finally Found A Hat For When My Hair Starts Growing Back.

Kevin and I must have went into about 20 shops looking for a casual hat that was nice and not made of wool and not to short at the back of my head. I am so not a hat person and I hate hats so it took a very long time to find the right one. I needed to get a hat because when my hair starts growing back properly the wig will be slipping off my head because of the hair underneath. I had not even thought about the wig slipping off when the hair starts growing back until Kevin said it to me so we were determined to find a hat before my hair starts growing back again. There were so many hats in the shops but mostly all made of wool which I cannot wear. The choices were limited after that but We managed to come across a black hat with a bit of a peak that covers all the back of my head. My plan is to put some hair extensions on the rim of the hat a make a pony tail so it can be tied back then I wont need to wear the wig any more.

My Radiotherapy Planning Treatment.

On Thursday I had my radiotherapy planning treatment. The first thing I had done when I got to the hospital was a CT scan. I had to lay really still while they done a scan and hold my arm above my head on 2 little rests and keep my head facing the right hand side while they marked on my chest and sides of where the radiotherapy treatment will be. The nurse said she would be back in a few minutes to put the permanent marks on me.
She said I would feel 3 tiny little pinches. I was nervous especially as I couldn't see what they were doing with my head facing the right hand side and she was on my left side. The permanent markings hurt a tiny bit and just for a second no longer then that so that was not to bad at all. Then I had to wait and see a nurse who asked me loads of questions. She asked me if I had any questions for her and I said yes I do and that everyone is advising me to put plenty of cream on before the radiotherapy treatment before it starts so I wont get burned and do I need to put lots on. My answer was do not put on any cream at all till after the radiotherapy treatment because the cream can make the treatment more severe on your skin and to wait till after the radiotherapy treatment to put lots of cream on. Her answer surprised me a lot considering everyone was telling me to put the cream on before hand. She told me not to shave under the arm and not to wear deodorant and to use something really mild in the shower to wash with. We spent a good few hours waiting around the hospital for everything to be finished. By the time we got home my feet were really tired and throbbing for ages. Thats another thing over with for now. Treatment should start in a few weeks time.

Your Mouth Gets Very Very Dry After The Big Chemotherapy Days.

Your mouth gets very very dry after the big Chemotherapy days. For me after having Herceptin, Taxotere, Carboplatin my tongue gets really sore and red and painful for a few days then my mouth starts getting dry a few days later. It gets so dry it feels like the roof of my mouth is peeling. My mouth stays like that till the 8th day after Chemotherapy then starts to get better. The tongue doesn't be so sore and the dryness starts to get better as well. I cant speak for everyone just what happens to me. For the 8 days after my big Chemotherapy sessions I drink chicken soup and I have light things like a sandwich or some dry bread to go with the soup. I try sleep as much as I can and drink as much as I can to. Milkshakes taste pretty good when your mouth is all dry from the Chemotherapy.

Your Taste Buds Go Off On Chemotherapy.

Did you know your taste buds go off when your having Chemotherapy treatment?
After your first treatment all the food tastes different. Everything tastes bland even bread. The only things I could taste properly were really sweet things like cream, pineapple, and some spicy foods and garlic salt. I put garlic salt on most of my dinners just so I could taste something. The taste stays different till after your last Chemotherapy treatment. It's not one bit nice having to go so long without tasting your food it kind of puts you off a bit. I cant wait to be able to taste food again properly. A few more weeks left and I should be able to taste everything again. So if you have to go through Chemotherapy don't cook your favorite foods they wont taste the same as they did before.

Herceptin Only Today.

Today Kevin and I were at the hospital for 8 am. I had to wait ages to be called. We were hoping I would be called and out of there by 9am the appointment was for 8am. I had blood taken again today as well as yesterday. I got called for the Herceptin Treatment and got the needle in my arm and there was no blood so it had to be taken out and put back into my arm in a different place. Treatment took half an hour then we were out of there. The oncology department was packed as usual. After we left the hospital we went for breakfast it was nice getting some time out together. My hand swelled up so much when we were out I had to take the sleeve and glove off for a bit. I slept for a bit after getting home and the swelling went down a little bit in my hand.

Kevin Got His Visa Extended For 3 Months.

Today Kevin got his visa extended for an extra 3 months so that he can be here for all the treatment. We are both very happy it means he can be here for the last big Chemo session and all of the Radiotherapy. We get to spend Christmas and the new year together as well. The kids are very happy Kevin can stay longer. It's great having him here with us. It makes me feel good known Kevin will be by my side as much as he possibly can. God is on our side.

Your Taste Buds Go Off On Chemotherapy.

Your Immune System Goes Down With Chemo.

Day 13 after the 5th big Chemo session and everyone in the house had colds on and off. Kevin had a really bad cold for a few days and I caught a cold and chest infection. I went for a sleep and woke up unable to breath properly and my nose was running bad. The next day I went to my own doctor and she said it was better for me to go to the oncology day ward to get checked out because the chest infection could get very bad quickly because my immune system was down. We went to the hospital waited 3 hours to be seen and were going mad with the boredom of hanging around eventually got to see a doctor and she gave me steroids for the asthma and 2 courses of anti-biotics. I have to say I feel a bit better today. So my advice is when your doing Chemo be very careful of people been sick with colds and stuff around you. Wrap up warm and take something for your cold as soon as it starts. You really can get sick quite fast when your having Chemotherapy treatment.

11 Days After My 5th Round Of Chemo.

Today is my 11th day after the last big round of Chemo and I'm still feeling off. This is the longest time I'm taking to recover after a big round of Chemo. Normally it takes me roughly 8 days after to start feeling better. My feet are really sore and numb and my stomach is off to. Kevin is smothering with a cold as well he is so not well. We are trying to make him better as soon as possible. I hate to see Kevin sick. I do wish I could make him better then and there. I have been sleeping on and off today I'm still really tired. I hope I get to sleep all night tonight. My hand and arm seem to swell up more when I'm up and about then when I sleep it goes down a little so I'm not to sure whats going on with that. 10 days left till my last big Chemo session and it so cant come quick enough for me. I think I will never see the end of it. It would be nice to have some energy to be able to do more.

A Breast Cancer Prayer by Catherine.

Lord may you watch over anyone suffering with breast cancer,
Their children, family, loved ones, let them know your their strength.
Show them the reason they can only see one set of footprints is because the only footprints they can see are yours carrying them through the pain and suffering.
Lord let your little angels dance around the children and make them stronger to get through this horrible time.
Give the breast cancer patient power to beat the cancer and strength to face that long journey ahead of them.
Lord Give everyone the determination to fight and win that horrible cancer.
Lord Graciously hear our prayer.
Amen.

My Son Still Has Doubts.

My son is 13 yrs old. He recently came home from school and said that his whole class knew I had breast cancer. I asked him how they knew and he said the boys were slagging of each others mothers and someone started to slag me off and one of his friends said to the other boy don't slag his mother she has breast cancer. I asked if it bothered him with everyone knowing and he said no. He looked at me and said you would tell me if it was terminal wouldn't you. I said of course I would I have told you everything thats happened right from the start and I do tell you whats going on at the appointments. All the kids know I will not brake a promise to them and I told him I promise it's not terminal and that he knows everything. I think he feels happier now he just needed some reassuring that I am not going to die. My heart was braking for him I felt so sorry for him and I know it's always on his mind along with the rest of the family I had to choke back the tears talking to him and watching his face. I understand the kids worry totally. I mean who wants to be without a mother.

When Chemotherapy Is Finished I Never Want To Do It Again !!!!

When my last big chemotherapy session finishes I never want to have to go through that again. I'm going to celebrate after the last one is done with. It has been the toughest thing ever to have to go through. I find the more Chemotherapy I have the tougher it gets. I have learned so much in the last few months. It's been so hard on the whole family in so many ways. It has destroyed my self esteem totally. Kevin has had to put up with so much stress and sadness and has stood by me every single step of the way. He has been an angel to me and the children. It has not been one bit easy for anyone. The children have had to suffer in lots of ways with me been sick by missing out on so much. They all deserve gold trophies for how they coped and still cope. I have been miserable, moody, upset, angry, exhausted and I want everyone to be happy.
I admire their strength to keep me going through all that awful Chemotherapy and I love them with all my heart. If I was a fairy I'd use my wand and make their dreams come through after all the suffering they have been put through. My heart brakes for anyone going through cancer and their families. You can never really understand something unless you go through it yourself. It's not just the cancer so many other things as well that you'd never even imagine.

Let Me Explain What These Words Mean.

ADJUVANT TREATMENT: Treatment given soon after surgery when a diagnosis of cancer is made.

ALOPECIA: Loss of hair (partial or complete). No hair where you normally have hair.

ANEMIA: A condition in which blood has less red cells or haemoglobin.

ANTI-EMETIC: A tablet or injection to stop you feeling sick or vomiting.

BENIGN: Not Cancer.

BIOPSY: The removal of a small amount of tissue from your body to find out if cancer cells are present.

BLOOD COUNT: A term used to describe the blood test that looks at the number of different cells contained in a sample of blood.

BONE SCAN: A Test to see if you have cancer in the bones.

CAT SCAN: pictures of inside your body taken by an x-ray machine at different angles.

CHEMOTHERAPY: Anti-cancer drugs used for treating cancer.

DUCTS: Tubes that fluid passes through.

FATIGUE: Tiredness that just does not go away even with rest.

IMMUNE SYSTEM: Your body's natural defence against infections.

LUMPECTOMY: Surgery to remove cancer and a little tissue around it.

LYMPHOEDEMA: Swelling of the arm after surgery after having lymph nodes removed from under your arm.

MASTECTOMY: When a breast is removed by surgery.

MALIGNANT: Means Cancer.

NAUSEA: Feeling sick.

STAGING: To See what stage your cancer is at.

TUMOR: Overgrowth of cells.

My Mum Hat Hunting In Spain For Me.

My mum just came back from spending a week in Spain with some friends. I told her I had been searching high and low for a decent hat that I could wear around the house when I'm not wearing the wig. She said she would keep her eyes open for one in Spain while she was away. She went away with a group of Ladies and 2 of my Aunty's. They were searching the shops for a nice hat that covered my whole head but could not find nothing but scarves and head bands. My mum got me 3 head bands with a bit that comes down the back of your head not all the way but pretty close. She picked 3 different colors for me. It was cool and they can be worn in the house. Since she moved away I had not been able to get much time with her because I'm not able to travel for hours yet and neither is she. We got to spend a good few hours together which was really nice.

Herceptin Only Day.

On Wednesday morning I went to the hospital for the short Herceptin visit. The hospital was packed with Cancer patients waiting to be seen. I got called after about half an hour of waiting. The nurse asked me if I had any problems and I said yeah I'm still feeling sick all the time and the anti-sickness tablets were not working and that the doctor forgot to give me some new anti-sickness tablets last week to try. She went off and got the doctor and he gave me a new kind of medicine to try for a week. I need to pick them up today. I am hoping they work for me. I was in an awful mood it was 8.30 am and I was tired and not in the mood for talking. The Herceptin took half an hour then I went home and slept for hours. My mouth is still very dry and sore from the Big Chemo day last week and I'm starving but cannot taste a single thing.

How I'm Feeling After My 5th Round Of Chemotherapy.

It's been 6 days since my 5th big round of Chemo. My bones are starting to feel much better from the Neulasta injection. I didn't get upset this time from the steroids like I normally do. My tongue is very sore and my mouth is very dry. In a few days my mouth should be much better. My hand and arm is still swollen but I will know soon enough after the last Chemo session if the swelling is due to Chemo or the surgery. Today is the first day since last Wednesday that I stayed awake all day. Kevin and I had been working on a project all day helping the little one for school. Her project was to do with muscles and bones. She got it finished and was very happy with it. The food and drinks taste so off right now. I cant wait for my taste buds to return to normal after the last big Chemo session. This time after the Chemo my feet felt really numb and are still numb in places. I'm still having acid reflux all the time and the Zoton are not working for me. I have asked for something else to try but the doctor forgot to give it to me. The peppermint foot spray and gel for my legs seems to be helping a great deal.
I still have hair on my head, eyelashes and some eyebrows so I guess i'm doing pretty good after all.

Why Are There Weeks Between The Big Chemotherapy Sessions?

Why are there weeks between each big Chemotherapy Sessions? The reason for this is because it takes you nearly 3 weeks to recover from all the Chemotherapy and it's side effects. For me once the steroids wear off on the Friday after the Chemo I do be pretty ill for a straight 8 days after. Not everyone is the same and some people take longer or quicker then others to recover each person is different and recovers in their own time. So many side effects go on at the same time for me things like dry mouth, tiredness, weakness, stomach cramps, feeling sick, broken sleep, sore bones from the Neulasta. After the 8 days I start to feel a bit better except for the tiredness that seems to stay with me. The second week after Chemo is when your immune system goes down and you have to be very careful around people that are sick with colds and other illnesses. The third week after Chemo you start to feel a lot better then it's time to have some more Chemotherapy so your body really does need time to recover before it has to be able to take the next dose of Chemotherapy.

Kevin's Birthday 25th September. 3 Days After My 5th Big Chemotherapy Session.

Today is Kevin's birthday. We went out last Thursday evening the next day after the big Chemo session we went to a fancy restaurant with a couch on the floor and it had cushions all around the couch and red curtains that you could draw shut if you wanted to. We ordered lots of little dishes of all different foods in tiny little bowls. I was very very sick with my stomach and felt like I needed to leave and come home a couple of times but I didn't want to spoil Kevin's birthday dinner. He wanted me to leave and go home the last thing he was worried about was his birthday dinner. It was very important for me to be able to stay for all of it. I did not want to spoil the birthday dinner we had planned for a while I wanted Kevin to be happy because I knew we would not be able to celebrate his birthday on the actual day when the steroids wore off and I would be all sick and sore from the Chemotherapy and the Neulasta. I got up this morning and cooked a birthday breakfast for Kevin. He enjoyed it which was good.I just wish it could be a better birthday for him especially as we actually getting to spend his birthday together instead of been half way around the world apart on his birthday.
I love you with all my heart Kevin and happy birthday to you honey xxxxx

Physiotherapy Appointment For Swelling Of Arm And Hand.

Yesterday I went to see the oncologist physiotherapist. He looked at my hand and arm and took some measurements and said he didn't know if the swelling was from the Chemo or swelling from after the surgery. He gave me a support sleeve and glove for my left arm and I have to go back to see him in December when the Chemotherapy finishes then he will know more. He told me to protect my arm as much as I can for longterm. I have to exercise and massage with E-45 medicated cream which I am doing already. The sleeve and glove have to be worn from morning till night everyday to help with the swelling.
So hopefully they will do some good and take the swelling down. It's great having Kevin beside me through the whole nightmare he has been a blessing from God to me I could not have asked for a better person.

My Advice For When Your Taking Steroids On Chemotherapy.

Before you start your Chemotherapy after been diagnosed with breast cancer your given lots of different medicine to take and steroids are what you are given along with anti-sickness tablets, anti-reflux tablets and mouth wash to keep your mouth from getting sore. The steroids stop you from sleeping and keep you awake sometimes till the next day without any sleep. The first time I took them I took 4 steroids the morning before the Chemotherapy started and I took them at 8am and then took the second 4 steroids 12 hours later no one had explained that I needed to take the second lot at lunchtime and I was awake the whole night. The next time I went I was told they keep you awake so take the second lot at lunchtime not in the evening. Not that it made much of a difference because they still keep you awake. You have to take the steroids twice a day for 3 days to stop you having a reaction form the Chemotherapy. They are taken the day before Chemotherapy, the day of Chemotherapy and the day after Chemotherapy. My advice to anyone taken steroids before Chemotherapy is to take them as early as you can and take the second lot 4 hours after. They give you lots of energy while your taken them for the 3 days. When you finish taken steroids after the third day as they start to wear off they make you depressed for a couple of days and then you really start to feel very very tired again so rest and sleep as much as you can.

Fatigue In The Legs And Feet. Peppermint Cream Works !!!!

Let me explain what fatigue is first in the legs and feet. It's a feeling of extreme tiredness and heaviness and aching that does not go away even with plenty of rest. I had been suffering really bad with it for the last couple of months and I kept saying it to the doctors. They kept telling me it was just part of the side effects of the Chemotherapy but didn't recommend anything for my problem. When I went to have my Radiotherapy tour of the other hospital a nurse recommended I try some peppermint cream from the health shop and said people find that it really helps so I thanked her and said I would give it a go. I got the peppermint cream and it is especially for tired legs it cost in euro 10.25. I also picked up peppermint cooling foot spray for 8 euro 55 cent. I put the cream on my legs and the foot spray on my feet. Normally after a bit of walking my legs and feet do be throbbing and aching from tiredness but with the cream and foot spray on they were much better. my feet still felt a bit tired but not half as bad as they would have been without the cream and spray. It feels really good finally actually having something that really helps. So my advice is for anyone suffering from fatigue in the legs and feet is give the peppermint cream and foot spray a go it works for me :) I hope you find this some bit helpful.

Wednesday 22nd Of September 2nd Last big Chemo Session.

Yesterday was my 5th big Chemo session. We were at the hospital for 9 am had to wait 2 hours to be called by the doctor finally got called and got the go ahead for my 5th big Chemo session we had to go away and come 3 hours later for the Chemo. We went on a walk into town and bought my eldest daughter a new phone for doing so well in her exams then went back to the hospital to have the Chemo done. The Chemo took 2 and a half hours to finish then when it was over our daughter met us outside the hospital and we gave her the phone she was very happy then we took her for dinner. My feet and legs were very very tired from been on them all day so when we got home I rested and fell asleep till 430 am. I was happy I got to get some sleep. I had a nice recliner chair in the hospital and I put up the foot rest for the first time ever yesterday it was good to be able to rest my legs and feet after all the walking. kevin just had an uncomfortable little stool to sit on for 2 and a half hours. We played cards again and had a big bucket of Red Bull each to make the time go by quickly I could not wait for the Chemo to be over so we could leave. One last Big Chemo session to go and it cant come quick enough for me :).

The Tour OF The Radiotherapy Department.

Yesterday Kevin and I went to the hospital to have a tour of the radiotherapy department where I'm having my radiotherapy treatment. It was an open evening and 14 people were supposed to attend. There were only 4 people that turned up myself, Kevin and 2 other people. 2 nurses talked about radiotherapy then gave us a tour of the different treatment rooms and planning treatment rooms. They asked if we had any questions about radiotherapy then answered them. Then we had a coffee and a biscuit. My legs were hurting from tiredness and one of the nurses told me to try peppermint cream and said it's supposed to be really good for the legs. So finally got some advice as to how to help my legs feel a bit better. We were told the Radiotherapy treatment is not painful at all and that it does make you very tired. I picked up an information booklet on Radiotherapy and read it all. It's handy because I can go back to the book when it's time to have my treatment. It was good getting out of the house for a bit even though my legs and feet were extremely tired. We got back and I slept all night.

Herceptin Only Today.

Today Kevin and I were at the hospital for 8 am didn't have long to wait before I was called. The Herceptin took the usual half an hour. We asked the nurse if there was anything I could do to make the fatigue go away or at least to help it. She gave me the
support stocking to see if they would help. My hand and arm is still swollen I have to wait for an appointment from the oncology Physiotherapist. There is nothing I can do in the meantime except wait. Things are not all bad we had some good news today my daughter passed her junior cert exams with all honors she was in tears with happiness. Kevin and I are so proud of her for doing so well. she done us proud :).

Left Hand And Left Arm Swollen.

This morning I woke up and my hand and arm was still very sore and I noticed my hand was swollen so I rang oncology and told them and they asked me to come to the hospital at 1pm. Kevin and I went over at 1 and they saw me pretty quickly and took some blood and my temp it was 38 then I had to have a chest x-ray and wait to see the doctor. She said if my blood came back low then I would have to stay in hospital for a few days and have some antibiotics because of the temp. The swelling is just something that happens after having surgery and having the nodes removed and that it is nothing to worry about. She referred me to the Physiotherapy department and I just have to wait to hear from them. The bloods came back ok and I didn't have to stay in.

For Anyone Just Diagnosed With Cancer.

This is especially for anyone just diagnosed with cancer. When I first got diagnosed with breast cancer I was clueless about everything. I joined Twitter and got to talk to so many Cancer patients who had been through Cancer, going through cancer, had loved ones with cancer, and I found it very helpful having so much support. If I had any questions that I needed answered someone would always answer them. The support from everyone on Twitter done me the world of good and helped me a lot. So many nice people sending best wishes, prayers, support, it is amazing. I could vent whenever I was feeling down or just wanted to let of some steam. I hope you find this information some bit useful and if I can be of any help don't hesitate to ask.
Catherine. x

Half My Eyebrows Are Missing After 4th Chemo Session.

Half of my eyebrows are missing after the 4th Chemo Session. It looks mad and I feel a bit weird I have to say. But at least they didn't fall out after the first Chemo session. I still have my eyelashes for now and my hair is still growing back really slowly after the second time I shaved it all off. My little girl was talking to me about breast cancer and she asked if it upset me talking about Cancer. I told her I was not upset and she could ask me anything she wanted to know. As for my eyebrows no i'm not going to use pencil to draw eyelashes when they go they go not much I can do about it. I'm keeping it in mind that there is only 2 big Chemo sessions left to do. A few weeks after Chemo stops my hair should start growing back at a much faster rate then it is at the moment.

For Anyone Just Diagnosed With Cancer Twitter Can Help You Lots.

Herceptin Only Today.

Today we got up at 7 and went up to the hospital at 8am. I got called pretty quick and didn't have to see a doctor the nurses give me the Herceptin I just see a doctor on the big Chemo days or if something is wrong. It took half an hour for the Herceptin to get done then we came back home and slept for hours again. I asked the nurse if the more treatment I get makes me more tired and she said yes so I guess that explains the extreme tiredness all the time. We forgot to bring the playing cards with us lol. We were rushing to make sure the kids were all up and ready for school before we left. I am glad today was not a long day I don't have much energy for anything.

I'M Going To Tell It Like It Is. Breast Cancer, Chemo Effects, Everything.

In this post I'm going to tell it how it is in my opinion. The Breast Cancer, Chemo, Effects, Thoughts. Any type of Cancer is very hard to deal with. In my case it is Breast Cancer. Firstly Cancer and Chemotherapy can effect different people in different ways for some they can deal with the Cancer very well and have little side effects from the Chemotherapy treatment others do not deal with having cancer so well and have awful side effects from Chemotherapy. Sometimes you will even get people that make things out to be worse then what they actually are so I'm going to tell it exactly how it is for me. There is no point in dressing things up or making them worse then what they actually are so I will just be honest and blunt. If anything it is a learning experience for people that don't know some of the effects you can get from Chemotherapy. Since I was diagnosed with breast cancer in April 2010 my world has changed so much. I'm still trying to deal with having cancer, having a breast removed, Chemotherapy, emotions, self esteem, children. I'm going to write a little on each topic. I cant speak for everyone so these are just my opinions.

Cancer.
In my opinion when a person is told they have cancer it feels like the end of the world and the first thing I wondered was if I was going to die. It was heart braking to hear that I had Cancer and having to tell everyone and watch them all cry.

Having a breast removed.
I had a cancer lump grade 3 in my left breast and was advised to have it removed as soon as possible I agreed straight away. I wanted to save my life. The breast was removed along with 7 nodes from under the armpit. I was very numb and sore after. I was given a temporary boob while I was healing after surgery and a permanent boob to place in a specially fitted bra once I had healed up properly. It's been 5 months since the surgery and I am still numb under the arm. Its a strange feeling having a breast gone and it makes me feel not normal. I am having reconstruction surgery when all the treatment is over but it will never be the same again.

Chemotherapy.
Chemotherapy effects people in different ways. I have finished my 4th Big Chemo session which consists of Herceptin, Taxotere, Carboplatin which is given through a drip into my arm and takes roughly 2 and a half hours for it to finish.
My side effects are as follows. Feeling sick, hair loss, extreme tiredness, dry mouth and sore tongue, my finger nails have changed to a brown color, little sweats from time to time. I have to take 8 steroids the day before Chemo, Day of Chemo, Day after Chemo they stop you having a reaction to the Chemotherapy. They stop you from sleeping and make you very depressed when they wear off for a couple of days.

Emotions.
My emotions are all over the place so many different feelings and things to cope with. Some days I'm ok other days I am not. I do feel like crying every day and that it's just not fair getting Cancer at the age of 38. I hate the fact that my children and partner have to suffer the way they do because of me.

Self esteem.
My self esteem is literally none. My hair is nearly all gone except a little bit and having the breast removed makes me feel like a man instead of a woman. I also wear a medicated wig which looks like real hair and no one can tell it is a wig but I know it is and it does not help my self esteem because I feel like a freak in it.

Children and partners.
Not only do you suffer but your children and partner does just as much as you. Cancer is a horrible thing for your loved ones to have to deal with. They worry about you and always wonder if your going to die or make it and have to watch you suffer and know there is nothing they can do. Lots of time gets missed with them because of sickness and treatments and sleep.

So for all the people that think it's just cancer to cope with or that your dealing with things great and coping take all topics into consideration and have a read of what its really like for some. No one can fully understand unless they go through cancer themselves.

So Much Pressure On Kevin.

This post has to do with Kevin and How I think he is coping with me having breast cancer. Firstly I have to say he could not be more supportive even if he tried. He has been like an angel watching over me around the clock. Taken care of the children and doing everything around the house, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, making sure I have everything I need. Going everywhere with me to make sure I'm ok. He watches me suffer from the Chemo and the effects it has on me. When I'm up for nearly 3 days straight with no sleep he is awake with me. When I'm upset and down about things he is there for me and tries to make me feel better, loved and wanted. I think it is very hard for Kevin sometimes and he tries to be strong for me so he can be my support. I tell him it's ok for him to be upset and it's ok to talk to me about things when he needs to because I understand it's got to be as hard for him as it is for me to deal with. I know it is very stressful when you don't know what to do or say to make people feel better. He is very good to me and I adore him very much. We seem to go through lots of things but always manage to get through the tough times together.

How The 4TH Chemo Session Made Me Feel.

The fourth Chemo session was last week and I'm only starting to feel a little better now. I have slept so much the last week I should be well rested but I'm still very very tired all the time. My legs do feel like have been on them for hours on end even when I am resting. My mouth and tongue is very sore and has been for a few days. I am still feeling sick and waking up at all crazy hours of night and day when I sleep. I am going through hot flushes that could be due to the Chemo or the early menopause I wont know that till after all the Chemo is finished. Today I feel a little better and I'm back at the hospital tomorrow morning at 8am for the Herceptin. The steroids did keep me awake this time and when they wore off I did nothing but sleep and be depressed for days. I know it's the steroids that get you down. It is very tough with all the treatments and effects of medication. People think if you look good or sound good that your ok and coping with everything but I'm sorry to say that is so not the case. It's not just Cancer that has to be dealt with but so many issues as well that people would not even imagine things like having a breast gone, menopause, sweats, no sleep, tiredness, feeling week, how your partner is coping, Missing out on time with the kids, how the kids are coping, guilt, self esteem, the list is endless and so much to think about and try cope with it all at the same time.

1st Of September 2010 Big Chemo Day !

Today Kevin and I got to the hospital for 9am. We didn't have long to wait before the bloods were taken then the doctor called me. The bloods were not back so I had to leave and go back at 1.30pm. We got back to the hospital for half one the bloods were fine so the fourth Chemo session was done we didn't get out of the hospital till 5.30pm.I didn't have to see my doctor I got to see one of his team which was cool because she was a lady doctor who was very nice. Kevin and I played cards for hours while we waited for the treatment to finish. Came home only to realize my own doctor didn't give me the steroids I needed so Kevin is going around first thing in the morning to get them for me. I am going to take it easy for the next 8 days now and hope I'm not to ill after the big Chemo session today. I am glad it was not cancelled that is the forth one out of the way now thank God only 2 more big Chemo sessions to go :). We had some nice little cream fairy cakes while we played cards they were just what I needed.
That is another long Chemo day out of the way cant wait for the last one.

Sunday 29th August A Good Day.

Today I had a good day I was pretty tired but feeling good. I decided to cook Kevin and the kids a nice Sunday dinner so I cooked Bacon, Cabbage, potatoes and peas. Everyone enjoyed it. I was resting after dinner and talking to Kevin and an ad came on TV about a new perfume out called Lady Million by Paco Rabanne. Kevin and I both looked at each other and Kevin said I know what your next perfume is going to be. Kevin had the One Million for men already and it's the nicest cologne I had ever smelt. Kevin asked if I was up to going to town to get the Lady Million I was ready in 5 mins lol and we headed straight for the perfume shop and Kevin bought me a big bottle of Lady Million. It is the nicest perfume I have had yet and good perfume is something I like and always wear.
We picked up 2 strawberry milkshakes and headed back home and I was tired and my legs and feet have been really tired lately so Kevin gave me a nice foot massage. Talk about getting spoiled :) what a nice relaxing Sunday.

My Nails Are Changing Color Now.

Today I noticed my nails had changed color I had nail varnish on them and when I took the nail varnish off I noticed all my finger nails were like a brown color. None of them are sore yet or none of them have fallen off yet either. I'm keeping a close eye on them. I have been lucky so far I just hope it stays that way and none of them fall off. I was told my fingers could get sore to and I might not be able to do up buttons and things like that but I can do up buttons and I can still type and Tweet.
The nails feel a little dry and the brown color goes down to just above the cuticle on every nail on my hands. I'm not sure if it will go all the way down the nail guess I'll just have to wait and see how they change after each big Chemo session. The reason I'm writing about my nails is to let people see exactly what happens to me as I go through breast cancer and the treatments.

Friday 27th August. Heart Muscle Test.

Today kevin and I were at the hospital for 9am. I had to have a heart muscle test done to make sure my heart is doing ok while I'm on the Herceptin treatment because the Herceptin can cause heart failure so they need to keep a check on your heart every 3 months. This is what happens when you have the heart muscle test. They take some blood from you then mix it with the nuclear medicine then inject the medicine back into you then you have to lie on a sliding bed and the machine does the test. You have to stay really still for about 10 mins then it is all done then they done the test with my arm above my head for another 10 mins then it was finished. Nothing about it is painful except when the needle goes in for a second. I wont know the results till I go back to the hospital next Wednesday. Hopefully everything will be ok then I wont have to have another one for 3 months. I have to keep the kids away from me till tomorrow because of Nuclear Medicine I also have to stay away from small children and pregnant women. It's been a job trying to keep the kids out of the room that I'm in but it's something that has to be done for their safety. So they will be pleased when 10am tomorrow morning comes and they don't have to stay away from me.

Wednesday 25 of August Herceptin Only.

Today Kevin and I got to the hospital for 8am I was called at 8.30am and the Herceptin was finished by 9am. We played cards for a bit then left the hospital and went to town and had a nice breakfast together and a luscious cream cake after the cream was amazing. We had a busy day today getting things ready for the kids for school. Kevin spoiled me today he bought me a nice McKenzie bag to match my jacket. We had some good quality time today which was really nice it made me feel much better. We walked around a lot today so was pretty tired when we got home. My platelets were still low today but were better then last week they like them to be at 100 and they were up to 82 today so by next week they should be back up to 100 then I can have the big Chemo session.
I'm feeling great just really really tired all the time. Today was my first time out in about a week so it was nice to get out and get some fresh air.
I have to have the heart muscle test done on Friday to make sure my heart is doing ok from the Herceptin treatment.

Wednesday 18th August Herceptin Only.

Today I got up very early Kevin and I went to the hospital we were there for 8 am by 8.30am I was called to have the Herceptin. It took half an hour to finish.
We left the hospital at 9am so the rest of the day was free nice and early. I felt pretty good and didn't feel sick. The hospital rang to say the platelets were low again and the blood count was low as well so just to be careful and watch out for a temperature, feeling ill or unexplained bruising. I have not had any temperatures or bruising throughout the Chemo so far. Kevin and I had a bit of a laugh at the hospital like we do every week and played some cards for the half an hour. Kevin is great medicine for me he makes me laugh so much and is the best company ever for me. He is there for me 100% and I'd be so lost without him by my side. He has helped me cope much better then I have been when he was away. If i'm awake at all hours of the morning he is awake with me making sure i'm ok. If I need anything he is there making sure I get it. If i'm upset or need to talk he is there to talk to me. He is very special to me.

How The Children Are Coping Now With The Breast Cancer And Treatment.

I think the children are coping pretty well now. They have kevin for support and he has been great for them they can go to him with anything thats on their minds. My mum and sisters tell them if they ever need to talk that they are there to for them. The 2 younger ones are doing great and the oldest daughter still worries whether I'm going to beat the breast cancer or not. I know thats hard and it's in a lot of peoples minds right now. I feel like they are missing out on so much with me having breast cancer and been so sick and tired. The two younger ones just don't understand how sick I really am. I want to be able to do a lot more things for them and want nothing more then for them to be happy and stress free. This summer has been boring for them they have had their days out here and there but wish I could do so much more for them and wish I had not have been diagnosed with cancer. They are my life and I want nothing more then for them to grow up happy and successful. The youngest daughter deals with me having not much hair much better now it doesn't phase her in the slightest now which is a good thing now because I think that was her biggest issue but letting her cut my hair was a great idea and let her deal with it much better plus she had fun playing hairdresser. she has put on the wig and had a laugh and even felt the fake boob when its been in the box and asked to see the wound where the breast was removed. she really surprised me with all her curiosity and questions so I told her everything she wanted to know and let her see what she wanted to see.
I think been honest with them from the start has done wonders for them all even though it was hard. They are all good kids and don't deserve to be without a mum.

Cancer Effects The Family Just As Much As The Cancer Patient.

Since learning that I have breast cancer in April 2010 I have found out that it is just as hard on the family as it is on me. I will start with Kevin my Fiancée in USA. The night I found the lump and my Fiancée was out to dinner with his mum in USA he came home as soon as he could and we both cried for hours he told me I needed to go doctors straight away the next day and get it seen to and that it was important. I was devastated and could not stop crying and what was worse was Kevin was half way around the world from me and could not get to me. When I got diagnosed I cried and cried and cried and kicked a coke bottle around in anger took some time to get myself together to sink the information in that I had breast cancer before I told anyone else. The next people to know after Kevin where my mum and sisters and brothers everyone cried so much including me. Everyone was hugging me and were very upset it was so hard to watch people like that cry it made me even more upset. Then the children were told their little hearts were broke and they cried their hearts out kept hugging me even though I don't think they fully understood what was going on. I was choking back the tears as I watch them cry like I'd never seen before I was speechless and just kept telling them I loved them and was not going to die. I am honest with everything to them and tell them all the time exactly whats happening and when it happens. Kevin tries to be so strong for me and tries not to show when he is upset but I know it is just as hard for him and the children as it is for me and I tell them its ok to be upset and to talk to me about it or if they have any questions it's ok to come to me.
I don't expect everyone to be brave I know the thought of me dying is in everyones mind and thats the worst fear loved ones can have. I hate to see people cry It brakes my heart and I want them to know that I'm a fighter and don't give up I have so much to live for and I want to see my children grow up to adults and marry Kevin. It's taken me years and years to finally be happy and have the man of my dreams and I'm not ready to leave him or my children. I never imagined breast cancer happening to me like that so quick and at my age nobody did. kevin felt so helpless been so far away and all he wanted was to be by my side and the children's sides as soon as possible.
And it was very hard for him to deal with we would be on video chat and he would have to keep getting up and going to the bathroom where he would cry his heart out where I could not see him. I could hear him crying and that tore me apart I wanted to hug him and tell him everything would be ok and be there for him to. When my mum found out she was in her wheelchair hugging me with tears streaming down her cheeks wishing she was the one that had breast cancer and not me that was also very hard to have to watch. So if anyone understands just how hard it is for loved one to deal with cancer it's definitely me. Another sister of mine which is 2 years younger then I am lived very close to me for most of our lives all the way up and it was very upsetting for her to and again very upsetting to have to watch everyone trying to deal with the fact that I have breast cancer.

How I'm finding the Chemotherapy.

The Chemo is very hard to do and cope with there are so many changes since I started the treatment. It makes me very exhausted and I feel like I have no strength what so ever except when I take the steroids for the 3 days which are the day before Chemo, The day of Chemo, and the day after Chemo. When the steroids wear off I feel very weak and tired. Something as simple as going to the shop or standing for long periods of time makes me want to drop. Lately I have been feeling sick a lot and i'm getting hot flushes and feeling very hot for short periods of time and especially at night I'm not sure if it's the menopause or not or side effects from the treatment. I'm still very numb from where I had the nodes removed from under my left arm and it's been nearly 4 months since the surgery. It takes a long time to get over surgery after having a breast removed. There are so many emotions to go through with breast cancer and so much to try cope with. In general I think I cope pretty well but like I say there are always the down days which are natural. I find talking to kevin helps me a lot and writing helps me cope better as well. I like to write about how I'm felling whether it's good or bad it helps clear my mind and also gives people an idea of what having breast cancer could be like. Everyone deals with Cancer different ways and it effects people in different ways some people are stronger then others and some are weaker then others I think it depends on the person themselves. Does having Cancer make you a stronger person? I think it does in the long run you look at life differently and it certainly changes your life in a big way it's not just the person the cancer effects but it effects the whole family to along with all the treatment.The doctor told me I would be in for a long hard year and boy was he telling the truth I never imagined what could be in store for me even with all the books and information I got. Doctors were giving me books of information left right and center I took my time and read them all so I could keep some information in and would go back to the books if something came up that I was not sure about. There is so much to learn about breast cancer, treatments, emotions, side effects I'm learning as I go through all of of this and wish to share my breast cancer journey with you all. I hope you find somethings useful and never forget to check yourselves regularly and never be afraid to go to the doctors remember the sooner the better.

My Sister Cut All Her Long Hair Off In Support Of Me.

My oldest Sister is one year older then me. When she found out I had cancer and that I was going to lose all my hair she said she was going to chop all her lovely long hair short in support of me. I told her that was really nice and went to my heart but she didn't have to do that and she said she wanted to. I didn't think she would but she did and whats even more mad is she chopped all her hair short by herself. She called me on the phone and said I did it I chopped my hair all short and I chopped it myself. I was shocked and called her mad lol not for cutting her hair but for cutting it herself. it was very nice of her to do that for me and it's something I will never forget as long as I live. It i so nice to have lots of support behind me from Kevin, the children, family, friends on twitter. I have been blessed with all the support I am lucky to have so many people supporting me and I'm very thankful to everyone for it. Breast cancer for me is the hardest thing ever to deal with but I try my best to keep it together sometimes it doesn't work and it does get me down but I don't be down for long sometimes just a couple of days at a time.

Kevin Is Wonderful Support For Me And The Children.

Kevin has been amazing support for myself and the children. He takes very good care of all of us. Does the washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and anything that needs to be done. The kids love him to bits and can see how much he loves and cares for them and me and that makes them happy. When I am down he does his best to try cheer me up and always checks to make sure everyone is ok. He doesn't leave my side and everywhere I go I have kevin beside me for support which is really nice. I am really blessed to be able to have kevin here with me and the children. He says he cant cook lol he is a great cook and makes all different nice kinds of healthy dinners. Kevin is very good for me and has made such a Hugh difference to my life and I couldn't wish for a nicer Fiancée.
Kevin is very good with the kids and loves them all like they are his own which is very nice to see. he shows interest in everything that goes on and takes care of things that needs to be taken care of. I cant wait to Marry kevin I will be the happiest woman alive when that day finally comes.

Kevin Has Been Wonderful Support

Wednesday 11th August Big Chemo Session.

Today I fell asleep at 4.30 am and got up at 7.30 am. 3 hours sleep and had to get up to go to the hospital for the big Chemo session. Myself and Kevin arrived at the hospital for 8.10 am had the bloods done then waited to see the doctor the platelets were up thank god to 151 and I could have my Chemo in the afternoon. We went home and went back again for 2pm so I could have the Chemo. I had the Herceptin first then the Taxotere and the Carboplatin last it took 2 and a half hours for the treatment to be finished. I sat in a recliner chair with a pillow under my arm while the Chemo was given to me by a drip in my right arm. I felt ok it just seemed to be ages and I could not wait for it to be finished. Kevin stayed with me the whole time and we played cards to make the time pass quicker and had a laugh. After we got home Kevin told me to rest while he cooked me a nice healthy dinner and did some washing. I still felt wide awake for hours after getting home but could not sleep till very late because of the steroids.I was happy the Chemo was not cancelled again this week and even happier I didn't have to see the my doctor I got to see a different doctor this week it was another doctor on my doctors team so that was cool to.

Wednesday 4th August 3rd Chemo Big Session Cancelled Till Next Week. :(

Today was supposed to be my third big Chemo session I took 8 steroids yesterday and got absolutely no sleep last night. Kevin and I went to the hospital at 8.30am this morning waited hours to see the doctor then to be told my platelets were to low they were 88 and should have been 100 so that really made me fed up so I could only have the Herceptin today and not the Carboplatin or the Taxotere. I have to go back to the hospital on Friday to have more blood tests to see if the platelets go back up for the big Chemo session next Wednesday instead which also means Kevin wont be able to be with me for my last Chemo session. Have to have my kidneys checked as well. I managed to get 3 hours sleep earlier today and have to stop taken all the medication till next week again which means taken the steroids next week again and get no sleep for 3 days. I asked the doctor if the steroids could be taken all at the same time and she said no that I had to leave 4 hours between each dose. So I'm not to happy today still have 4 Big Chemo sessions to get through and none of them are easy I wanted them over as soon as possible. My asthma is really playing up at the moment and my chest is very wheezy and i'm still trying to fight the cold off. So doctors in the morning for me to try and get help to get better before next Wednesday.

Thursday 29th July Castle Hotel Stay Out :)

Yesterday kevin and I went to Clontarf Castle for a late birthday treat because I was to sick to go last week. The hotel was a five star stunning Castle Hotel. Kevin booked an executive sweet with a romantic package. When we arrived we were offered tea and coffee while they were doing up the room. Talk about been spoiled when we got to the room it had a four poster bed with fresh rose petals in the shape of a heart, Box of chocolates mixed with white and dark chocolates, Bottle of champagne with 2 flute glasses, jet shower, mirrors all around the room, flat screen TV in the wall. The room was very romantic and posh. I was very impressed. We had a total day of relaxation and stress free it was very romantic. We both dressed up had a lovely 3 course dinner. Took loads of photo's I felt like a princess for the day. There were big statue's of lions outside the hotel and pictures of lions inside the hotel. You could stand on the 5th balcony and look right down to the ground floor. The staff were very friendly and polite I would definitely recommend a stay there. It was definitely special in fact the best birthday ever for me.

Sunday 25TH Of July.

Today I woke up early and have a cold I must have caught it from someone. I'm still learning new things about cancer all the time. I have figured out how the Chemo is effecting me and for how long after. It seems to take me a week to recover from the Chemo and it makes me feel sick, weak, tired and my mouth gets very dry for about 8 days. My hands and feet are not sore and my nails are fine so far to. Even though my hair is falling out and my head has been shaved twice I can still feel hair on my head and still have my eye lashes and eyebrows. That tells me I'm doing pretty good overall. Kevin has been here nearly 2 weeks already and I get plenty of rest and I'm well looked after. I don't have much energy to be out and about and if I go out for a few hours I tend to be totally wrecked and do sleep for hours after. I don't think the 2 younger kids actually realize just how sick I am. They want me to go places that I don't feel up to going. Chemo is a pretty hard thing to go through for anyone it's so not nice. I will be very happy when I reach my last Chemo session. I can honesty say I feel for anyone going through Chemo and would not wish it on anybody.

Wednesday 21st July My Birthday.

Today I got up at 6.30am Got to the hospital for 8 am didn't have to wait that long the nurses were wishing me happy birthday. The Herceptin took half an hour then myself and my Fiancée were out of there like a shot nice and early. Had some visitor's for my birthday then went out for a few hours with Kevin we had dinner out and apple pie and custard for desert it was lovely then came home and crashed out for hours I was so tired slept for hours then went back to sleep for hours again. I got a new phone, T-shirt, charm bracelet, Earrings, chocolate, vases, money, so I'd say that was a pretty good day :). And I get to celebrate it in style next week when I'm feeling stronger.

4 Days After The Second Big Chemo Session.

Today is the 4th day after the second big Chemo session and I'm feeling very rough and ill. I feel sick all the time and I don't get to sleep for longer then 3 hours if I'm lucky. I am learning that the Chemo is whats making me lose my taste in food and drinks and not the salt. With my hair falling out to it makes me feel more upset. People are saying I'm strong and I can get through this but I have to say it is not one bit easy. Everyone handles things different and some are braver then others and can cope better then others. My body is still numb months later after surgery where the breast was removed, I feel very weak and shaky and sick. Not only do I have to fight for life but emotions to I don't think anyone plain sails through cancer. feelings of self esteem are non existent. The wig must be one of the most annoying things to wear ever. No one can understand what a person really truly feels unless they go through the same thing.
I have been crying for months on end now and still do. Every day is hard to get through and I cope the best way I can. What I think is why the hell did it have to happen to me and have I not suffered enough in life with getting smashed into by a 7 and a half ton lorry to. How much does a person have to suffer and for how long. I do fight things I'd have given up long ago by now if I wasn't a fighter but it doesn't make things any easier for me.

Rest Of My Hair Is Starting To Fall Out.

The rest of my hair is starting to fall out now even though I shaved it all off nearly down to nothing. It is falling out in little bits not all out together which is cool and I'm not bothered by it yet maybe when it is all gone. I knew it was going to start falling out any day now cause it has been 3 weeks since my first big Chemo session and with the second big Chemo session today i'm sure it will start to fall out quicker now.
I'm still trying to prepare myself with having no hair I know thats going to feel a bit crazy considering I have had long black lovely hair for years. I miss all my hair been gone but guess thats all in the process of getting better even though I don't like it.
Kevin loved my long hair to and he has been great about everything and been very supportive through out everything. I would be totally lost without him.

Big Chemo Session Today. :(

Today is my long Chemo day Taxotere, Herceptin, Carboplatin, went to the hospital this morning waited to have bloods done as usual they couldn't get any blood from the first vein so had to try another one. Kevin came with me which was lovely having him beside me. I got to go home for a couple of hours while they have the Chemo made up. I have to go back to the hospital for 2pm to have the Chemo Kevin will be with me and I hope I don't have another reaction from the Taxotere. The steroids kept me awake till 4am and I'm really tired and cranky today and got to sit in that hospital for 3 and a half hours :( from 2 till half 5. I am home now the treatment went good today no reactions at all and the time went by really quick having Kevin with me we played cards so the time would go by quicker and I don't feel as tired as i did this morning guess it is the steroids kicking in again. In general I feel pretty good so far till tomorrow anyway. I am so pleased I did not react to the Taxotere again.

Kevin Is On His Way To Me :)

Kevin is on his second flight now from the usa. I have been very down lately and I'm so looking forward to tomorrow morning when he arrives. I have missed him so much and find it hard to cope without him. Today has been the first day in ages that I have been happy and thats because I know he is on the way to me. Kevin has 3 flights to get here and it's a very long journey so I hope he doesn't get any problems in the airport in the morning. I am going to meet him and I cant wait to see him again. It will be great to have him with me. Today has been very long the time is going by so slowly I think I got up to early this morning. I have to get up at 4am to get ready and I'm really excited. Even though it is not that long since Kevin was here it feels like it has been forever. I got up this morning in a great mood for a change and I'll be happy until it's time for kevin to leave again. I feel like we have a fairy tale romance I know it sounds crazy but it's true I am mad about kevin he is my dream Fiancée. Roll on tomorrow :)

My Head Is Sore From The Wig !!!!!

My hair has still not started to fall out not that I want it to. I shaved my hair off so it would not be to devastating to see and I started wearing the wig to get used to it for when I had no hair. My head has been very sore the last few days and I think it's from wearing the wig all day. I would still recommend people shaving their hair off before it comes out in clumps but maybe waiting a week or 2 after the Chemo starts and not before unlike me. I am still expecting it to fall out any day now and I still think it will be very hard for me to deal with. One thing that helps is I know Kevin loves me no matter what I look like or what happens to me. The wig gets very hot and its quite tight but have to say I thought it blow off in the wind but it didn't it stayed put which was great. I do like the look of the wig it couldn't match my own hair any better then it does. It takes a lot of getting used to and I'm not sure I'm used to it yet. In saying that I would not leave the house without wearing it no matter how sore my head is. It amazes me how well they are made and how real they look even the staff in the hospital didn't know it wasn't my real hair. At the end of the day it is a relief to be able to take it off and let my head relax a bit.

So How Do I Really Feel About Cancer?

I'm angry and fed up and don't feel like a woman! my hair should be falling out this week or next week at the latest. I'm devastated having to loose my hair, having a breast removed spending everyday not feeling normal. Plus the fact that I'm 38 yrs old sucks. Chemotherapy can bring on the menopause so possibly that to look forward to as well. So how does a person cope with all that? Plus the fact Kevin is in another country doesn't help either or not been able to be upset around the children or family in case I upset someone else. Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and it doesn't get any easier to cope with. Everyone tells me how strong I am I don't see it. Inside I feel like falling to pieces. One thing I do know Is that I am a fighter and I'm not going to give up. I also know there are thousands of people in the world fighting Cancer and all different ages to and I feel for everyone going through it. I have to put up a big front all the time when really it's so very hard to cope with. I feel like I deserve a brake and have been through enough to last a life time. My life has to get better at some point it just has to!

Hospital Visit Today Was Herceptin Only.

Today I got to the hospital at 8.30am waited 2 hours before I was called for treatment. The treatment itself didn't take that long just all the waiting around does. I didn't even have to see the doctor today. I'm still feeling down since yesterday I could not even keep it together having the treatment tears were just streaming down my face. The nurse asked me how I was coping and I said I'm coping fine just sometimes I have days were I am a bit down and she said I am going to have days like that and it's ok to feel that way and that Cancer is not an easy thing to cope with. That I think I know and it is not one bit easy for me. She asked how I felt after having the mastectomy I said I'm ok some days it gets me down but i'm alive. I'm living for Monday when Kevin gets back to me I feel very depressed without him and it's much harder to cope with when he has to leave. I'm starting to feel better health wise and it's nearly time for the next big Chemo session it's next week. She asked about my injury's I said they were from an accident and she said and you have Cancer on top of that. You have been through the mill and I thought to myself you have no idea. I should come out of all this as strong as superwoman there is only so much a person can take.

Herceptin Today..

Today I was back at the hospital to have Herceptin only. My stomach is still upset and not feeling to good again. I had to have an xray of the stomach to make sure everything is ok. I lost 4lb since my first Chemo session last week. I'm not surprised considering I cant taste the food i'm eating and the salt mouth washes are putting me off food.
The Herceptin only took half an hour which was good and no reaction which is even better. Had some waiting around to do but nothing like the hours I spent in hospital last week.

Salt Salt Salt And More Salt !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its nearly a week since I had my first Chemo session and I still feel pretty good except for 2 things one is my stomach gets upset sometimes and the other thing is the salt washes. They are disgusting and need to be done 4 times a day after meals to prevent mouth ulcers. it puts me off wanting to eat because I can taste the salt all day long and the food taste's off. I may as well just hold my head back and tip the drum of salt down my throat. Nothing I eat or drink takes the salt taste away.
The doctor couldn't even recommend anything to get rid of the salt taste so guess I just have to deal with it and get on with it. I like a tiny bit of salt with food but I don't need to put salt on any food now cause I just have to add the food to the salt in my mouth. If your a person that likes salt then this is one sure way to put you off salt for good.

This Is For The Stressed !!!!!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give a 100% at work, 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday and help me to remember ......
When I'm having a bad day and people are trying to wind me up, It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!

My Relationship With kevin.

I feel like writing about Kevin today. He means the world to me. It is over 2 years now since we got together and I'm still madly in love with him. When we got together first I felt like I was In a fairytale relationship were everything is perfect and your head over heels in love with each other. It is still like that for me and when we are together there is so much love between us everyone can see how happy we make each other. I seriously didn't believe in true love I thought it was a thing were a couple gets together and are all happy and in love at first then things fade out and the couple just get used to being together. Meeting Kevin was one of the best things that could happen to me. I love him with all my heart and he is my prince. He makes me feel alive, loved, important, special, and that I'm the only one for him. I always say I don't know what he sees in me and he could have so much better if he wanted. We go through so much together it makes our love stronger all the time. He has been wonderful through all the breast cancer and been by my side as much as possible. Nothing puts him off me and I feel very lucky to have him in my life. He is an amazing dad you can see the effort and love he gives to all 5 children. Kevin makes me proud to have him by my side. He has so many good points that just stand out a mile to me. I think about Kevin everyday and say Yeah I really love Kevin and he is definitely the one for me. I could not imagine my life without kevin even his posh little ways make me smile. Marrying Kevin will be amazing and I want to beat this Cancer and have a very long happy life with Kevin.

Cancer Poem.

I think about Cancer everyday, About why it had to be this way,
Cancer sucks in every way, I wish it would just go away,
people fight Cancer every day, We have to make it stay away,
I'm going to fight with all I've got, Cancer will not get the lot,
I have to have a fighting spirit, IF I know that I'm going to win it,
How dare you take people's lives away, I'd love to find a cure today,
To this day you make me say, I hate Cancer in every way,

To all the people who have lost their lives, your spirit fights and is still alive,
Cancer is an ugly thing, It should be kicked so people can win,
help us find a cure today, Don't let Cancer take anyone away!
By Catherine.

Lots of Medication To Take.

It's the next day after Chemo and I'm feeling pretty good so far. The nurse went through all the medication that I have to take and what they are for and how long to take them for. She seemed to be writing for ages and there seemed to be a lot so I wrote my own medicine record of what to take in the morning, lunch, dinner and tea time. So here goes the long list of medication if anything it's knowledge for people that don't know what goes along with Chemo. Steroids 2mg 4 morning 4 lunchtime prevents reaction and to be taken day before Chemo, day of Chemo, day after Chemo. Motilium 10mg 4 times a day 20 mins before food, prevents sickness, Day of Chemo and for a week. Zoton 30mg, 1 tablet in the morning before food, prevents acid reflux, day before Chemo and for a week. Tablespoon of salt in water 4 times a day after meals prevents mouth ulcers, day of Chemo and continue and just like to add that is gross and you have to wait 10 mins before the next mouth wash. Mycostatin mouth wash, 4 times a day after the salt mouthwash, prevents thrush, day of Chemo and continue. Newlasta injection, 24-72 hours after Chemo, boosts white cells, once every 3 weeks, increase fluids with that.
The pill box came in very handy considering I'm no good for taken tablets.

My First Chemo Session Was Awful.

Today went asleep at 6.30 am and got up at 730am the steroids kept me awake all night long. I got ready to be at the hospital for 11 am my sister came with me. I checked in and waited 3 hours with no bloods done or had not seen the doctor we were asked to go away and come back after a little bit of time. Eventually I got called and my sister was allowed in the room with me. I was sending texts to kevin to let him know everything that was happening cause he was worried and wishing he was here to be with me. the first Chemo drug was the Taxotere and I was told if there was going to be a reaction then it would be to the Taxotere so they would do that one first. The drip had only been in about 7 mins and my face went all red like it was going to explode and at the same time my chest was tightening and I could not breath properly. They were very quick stopped the Chemo gave me some stuff in the drip waited a while then gave the Taxotere to me again but very slowly then even every ten minutes gave it to me a bit quicker. next was the Herceptin which was fine no problem there and last was the Carboplatin so finally got out of the hospital at 7pm after been there since 11am
I took all the medicine I had to so now I'm just very tired after a long day and my stomach is a little upset but I don't feel sick yet.

My Hair Is All Shaved Off 3 Days Before Chemo Starts.

Today I woke up and decided to cut my hair even shorter again. I started cutting loads of my hair off and my daughters came into the room they were ok because I said I was not upset and that it had to go anyway. I gave them both a scissors and told them they could cut it all off they had great fun getting to cut real hair. Then when all the hair was cut I shaved the rest off. The children said it was not as bad as they expected it to be and that it is still me just without hair. So when the Chemo starts there will only be little bits here and there because the rest is gone and it would be easier for me to shave it off rather then watch it fall out all over the place. I'm not going to say it was easy but I didn't really have a choice and if I had of got upset it would have upset the kids and I didn't want that to happen. I wore the wig out for the first time today. It felt a bit strange but I will get used to it eventually. I will miss my long lovely hair but getting better is more important.

Chemotherapy Can Bring On An Early Menopause.

Chemotherapy can bring on an early menopause another thing I didn't know till well after surgery. The doctor asked me if I wanted any more children and I said no and he said good because Chemotherapy can bring on an early menopause. I thought to myself great another thing to look forward to along with breast cancer and it's just as well I didn't want anymore children. Lots of people don't even know the menopause is connected to Chemotherapy. I agreed to take part in some studies for cancer If the studies can help other cancer patients like myself then why not help out. It is a few extra blood samples taken at the same time they are taken blood for checks so what's a few extra bottle samples when they are taken them anyway. One of the studies are to see if I will be likely to go through the menopause. I'm curious to see if I'm going to be going through the menopause along with the Chemotherapy. I'm making people aware of things that I didn't know and maybe I can help someone understand and have some knowledge of what could happen along with breast cancer.

Picture Of A Temporary And Permanent Prostheses.

I decided to post a picture of a temporary and permanent prostheses to show people what they look like. The pictures are at the end of the page, Just scroll down to the bottom of the page with the posts on it.

A Temporary Prostheses is what your given first after surgery it feels quite heavy and takes a bit of getting used to but after having a breast removed it makes you look and feel a bit more normal. It just slots into special side pockets in a special bra and stays there in place till you want to take it out. The back of the temporary prostheses has a little pocket where you put some filling in it to keep it in shape.

A Permanent prostheses is what your given 6 weeks after surgery it feels heavier then the temporary prostheses and looks more like a real breast. There is no pocket at the back and it feels very smooth and soft. It fits into the bra the same way as the temporary prostheses. I hope you find this information useful as I didn't even know what a prostheses was or looked like.

Writing For My Benefit And Yours :)

I am writing this breast cancer journey for the benefit of anyone who reads this along with myself. It is a way for me to cope with whats going on as things happen and it is also a way for me to let people see what it is like going through breast cancer. I decided it would be better to write as I actually go through things now rather then later and have to think back to what it was like back then. I have learned so much In the last couple of months and I want to share what I have learnt with others. I want people to be aware of what happens unlike me I didn't know anything. Breast cancer was the last thing I would have expected to happen I always thought it was most common in people over 50 and I thought to myself thats why the mammogram at age 50+. How wrong was I? I knew it was cancer when I found the lump even at the age of 38 and even before the specialist diagnosed me. So don't be like me and think your to young to get breast cancer because that is so not the case. Check yourself often and If you do find a lump or are unsure please go to the doctors straight away it could save your life.

Finally All Healed Up And Ready For Chemo.

I am finally all healed up 11 weeks today since I had my breast removed. The healing took a long time. I'm glad I'm healed so Chemo can start and I can get better and on the other hand I'm not looking forward to the Chemo at all because I'm terrified. The Chemo is starting next Wednesday and I have so many fears. Normally I'm a quick healer I don't why I took so long to heal this time. I took care of all the dressings and keeping it as clean as I could by myself and did a good job. At first the nurses were coming out and hitting of nerves like mad so I decided I was going to take care of the breast healing myself. I used the gloves had plenty of dressings and sterile cleaning solution thats all I needed and to change the dressing every 24 hours. As for under my arm the movement was so restricted I couldn't even brush my own hair and it annoyed me every time I tried to brush it because I couldn't. I had to do exercises 3 times a day and it was not easy but I did it and can now brush my own hair. I still cant raise my arm all the way above my head but I'm slowly getting there.

My Prostheses.

I had never even heard of a prostheses until I was diagnosed with breast cancer never mind what one looked like. It was the last thing on my mind after hearing I had breast cancer I just wanted the whole breast with the tumor on it removed I didn't care what I looked like after once the tumor was gone. after few days I got my temporary prostheses it looked crazy and felt mad but basically it is a false breast that sits in the bra so it looks like your breast is still there. I felt a bit better after getting it because I looked more normal with it on. It is very heavy to wear and was something else to cope with. 6 weeks after surgery I had to go back to get a permanent prostheses I was well curious as to what the difference would be between them both. It looks more like a real breast then the temporary prostheses and is a little heavier to with more of a real looking nipple on it. I felt much more comfortable with that one and it lasts for 2 years and is very easy to look after. My daughter's, sister's, aunty's and my mum were all curious about it so I showed them all what it looked like. My youngest daughter was fascinated at how they could make the prostheses look like a real breast and I guess it made her feel more comfortable that I looked normal with it on.

Please Help With Chemo Tips And Comments.

I would appreciate any help to do with Chemo and tips on how to get through it. My Chemo starts next Wednesday and I'm very nervous about it. I know it is going to be tough and it has to be done. I would love to hear how people coped with their Chemo and what helped them get through it. I don't want to be sick all the time and I'm looking for information that will help me. When I am finished mine I am going to give as much information as I can to people going through Chemo.

I know Chemo has different effects on everybody and everyone reacts different to it.
I'm trying to prepare myself for the Chemo by getting as much information as possible before it starts. I hope I'm lucky enough not to be effected to bad but only time will tell. So please help if you can your help is appreciated very much.
Catherine xxx

Wearing The Wig Trying To Get Used To It.

Today I wore the wig for about an hour trying to get used to it. It is the longest time I have had it on so far. I covered all my hair with tights and put the wig over it.
It feels very strange and takes some getting used to. I feel a bit better today about wearing the wig because I managed to get it the way I am going to wear it and I was able to tie it back of my face. I picked a long dark brown one so it would match my own hair and there would not be to much of a change in looks. My little daughter was not to happy about me losing my hair and she wanted her own hair cut so I cut her hair and now she says she doesn't mind my hair been gone and that I will still look beautiful to her. I asked her if she will still say that when I am bald and she said yes of course I will. The wig is beautiful and really made well and it feels so real you would never be able to tell it is a wig. I still feel weird wearing the wig but I guess it is just a matter of getting used to it and I'm sure I will as time goes by. It is not an easy thing to have to do but at least I'm still here and my hair will grow back.

Kevin I miss You Very Much You Belong With Me X

Kevin I miss you very much and it is so unfair that we have to be apart like this. Things have been very hard since you have left and we are both trying to cope in different parts of the world. The kids miss you as much as I do and I feel empty without you. You helped me cope a lot better having you by my side.
It was such a comfort to me to know you were on the way to me as I was having my breast removal operation and you gave me determination to get up and walk as soon as possible and heal as quick as I could so I could leave the hospital to be at home with you.

You took care of the house, children, and me very well I am so lucky to have you. My love for you is very strong and I know we are made for each other. We deserve the best wedding in the world after all we have been through and I'm living and fighting all the way. This long distance relationship has not been easy with everything thats going on and we have proven just how much of a strong bond that we have. Nothing stops us without a fight and we will get where we want to be in life.

Your the best partner I could have ever wished to find and I wish I had met you years ago my life would have been so much better.

I love you with all my heart Kevin xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Catherine xxxx

Breast Cancer Awareness Please Check Your Breasts It's Very Important.

This post is to raise breast cancer awareness. It is very important to check your breasts all the time and get to know the look and feel of them so you can notice any change at all in them. I never imagined I would get breast cancer at 38 years old.
You can get breast cancer at a young age as well. Some young People don't think about it till something happens at which point it could be to late. If you notice a change or lump go to the doctors straight away don't leave not going because of fear. Some people have said to me I don't know if I would be able to tell if I felt a lump or not so If your unsure or are worried about anything please don't leave it and go get checked out.
Cancer is an absolute horrible thing for anyone to have to go through and If I can get people to check themselves more often then it would be great. I cant stress enough how important it is to know your breasts. I'm in for a horrible year ahead and would not want anyone to have to go through the same thing. Men can get breast cancer to I know it is very rare but it does happen! so please please check your self often.
Catherine x

Twitter Has Been Great Support For Me. Thank You Everyone. xxx

Twitter has been a tremendous support for me. I have well over a thousand followers.
The support I have received from so many people on twitter is amazing. People I have never even met showing me so much support,Prayers, best wishes, encouragement, given me advice, answering questions that I have about Cancer has been so helpful to me. I am a quiet person in general and it has been great for me to be able to talk to people that have had Cancer in the past, have had someone affected by Cancer, have Cancer now, and know so much about Cancer. I have never learned so much about cancer in my life until the last couple of months when I joined Twitter and I am still learning new stuff all the time. At the moment I am going through a really tough time and when I'm upset I can vent away on Twitter. I read people's stories about Cancer all the time sometimes I have to admit it scares the hell out of me and I think to myself I really should not read so much but I keep reading to get as much information as possible. My heart brakes inside when I read about people passing away from Cancer. It is very sad. Twitter has also shown me that Cancer does not beat everyone and that there are so many survivors out there and it is great to know. So a special thank you to everyone on Twitter for all your support.
Catherine xxxx

Chemo Starts In 2 Weeks Time.

Today I went to the hospital to see if my wound had healed enough so I could start the Chemo treatment it still is not healed and I have to wait 2 more weeks to start Chemo.
I am not looking forward to it but know it has to start very soon to get better properly. I also had my permanent boob given to me today till the reconstruction takes place which is not till months after the Chemo finishes. So much to deal with over the last 2 months. I'm hoping my fiancée can come back to me just after the Chemo starts that would be a blessing for me and the children. I need to chop more off my hair as soon as possible before the next 3 weeks I don't think I could handle it falling out all around the place.

What Is My Purpose In Life?

I feel like I have a purpose in life I'm not sure what that is yet but I do feel like it is close like so close that it just needs to click with me. It's a strange feeling I have been having for quite some time now and I look for answers and little signs.
I think it is to help people in some way something different I'm just not sure what it is. Sometimes I wonder about the things that happen to me like if it is something to do with Cancer or Injuries or making people feel better in some small way. life keeps kicking me down and for some strange reason I keep fighting and get stronger. Maybe I'm here to give other people strength that are not so strong. I like to help people, I can see so many good things and talents in people and positive things I just cant see it with myself. So what is my purpose in life I'd love to know.

I'm Still Numb And Fed Up !!!!!!!!

I had the surgery weeks ago to remove my left breast. I am still so numb and fed up it was very very frustrating not been able to brush my hair and do little things like normal. I feel very weird and tight where the breast was removed. When I wear clothes on the top half of my body it feels so strange and numb and swollen. I have reconstruction to look forward to so that helps a little. My self esteem was very little before, now I have non what so ever. Having cancer has made me see things different from before. I am grateful for lots of things like a chance to live, fight this cancer, marry the man of my dreams, See the children grow up. One saying that sticks in my mind is "one door closes another one opens" I go over that saying in my head over and over again and I don't know why it sticks there. Maybe one day I'll know what it means.

Cutting My Lovely Long Hair :(

I have had long hair for as long as I can remember. I had to chop it short before the Chemo starts and it all starts to fall out. It was not easy for me to do after having long hair for so long. I took a scissors and cut my hair shoulder length and left enough to tie up out of my face. My daughter has a big issue with me chopping my hair so I cut it and tied it up and she didn't even notice till I told her and she said oh ok aw well. I have been trying to get used to the wig which is extremely hard to do.
It is a beautiful wig and the hair is very long but feels so strange when it is on.
It keeps slipping off because i still have my own hair so it's wrecking my head. I'm not sure if I can get used to it but will do my best. I'm going to be a long time without any hair but at least I'll have the chance to see it grow back.

Andrew What Can I Say?

This is for you Andrew. What can I say about you? Your one great cousin to have and you have supported us every inch of the way through all that we are going through. We cant thank you enough for all your help and support if there is a way to try and help God knows you find it. You know how important it is for me to have kevin here and just how happy Kevin makes me. Your determination is amazing and we both are very grateful for all your help. Maybe some doors will open for us after all.

You don't give up until you get results. You really have been a tremendous support to us both and have done so much to help in anyway that you can and once again thank you very very much.
love Catherine & Kevin xxx

My Visit From A Local T.D.

Yesterday I had a visit from a local T.D. She is helping me to get better and warmer housing and helping to get my fiancée back over to me.It would be the best news ever if permission is granted for kevin to be by my side again. I miss him so much and he is the best person I could wish for to be by my side. I feel like I can cope with just about anything when I am with Kevin. He is my total strength and keeps me strong when I am down. The day we can marry will be the best day ever. The love and support Kevin has given to me and the children has been amazing. So hopefully the T.D. can get somewhere for us it is great to have her on our side.

My New Wig !!!!! The Next Step !!!!

Yesterday I went to the hair dressers to get my new wig before the Chemo starts. I thought I'd be upset but it was not as bad as I expected it to be. I tried on 2 wigs the first one was awful and so not me and the second one was lovely so I went with that one. It is longer then my own hair and in much better shape to. I was quite surprised with how it looked. I must admit I feel a bit strange when it is on I guess it's just a matter of getting used to it. The next step for me is chopping all my own hair off which I will be doing very soon now.

My Off Day Today.

Today was a bad day for me I have been upset all day. I'm coping best I can with the cancer but trust me it is not one bit easy. I have to be strong around people and my children because I don't like people to see me upset.
Not everyday is bad I have some ok days to. The Chemo is starting soon and it is my worst fear about the whole cancer treatment I am learning as much as possible about Chemo so I know what to expect. Chemo effects people in different ways but nothing I have heard or read gives me anything to look forward to. I know it has to be done doesn't mean I'm ready for it though. Kevin is back in usa and I miss him like crazy and I am not sure how I am going to cope with the Chemo. As the time comes closer to Chemo starting I am worried about been sick all the time and all the side effects. People tell me I am strong but I am not I think it will all be a nightmare! I'm going to take it as it comes and hope I don't suffer to bad.

Thursday 27th May Heart Tests.

Today I went to the hospital to have a heart trace and a heart muscle test for the new breast cancer treatment I am receiving along with the Chemo. I spent hours over there They took blood then had to mix it with something then inject it back into me. The needle was bit sore other then that it was more of a time thing and having to lay still for ages. The heart trace was not long at all. I went to the hospital myself because Kevin could not go with me as he is back in USA now I missed having kevin beside me at the hospital. Kevin's support has been amazing for me and I miss him terrible he has stuck by me through thick and thin and he means the world to me.

Kevin Your Amazing And I Miss You Already !!!!!

Kevin your amazing you are still waiting on your flight back to U.S.A and I am heart broken already. You have done so much to help me and the kids I cant thank you enough.
Your a blessing from God sent to me and I will always love and adore you very much.
It is such a waste we have to be apart like this when we make the perfect couple when we are together. I do believe your my soul mate and I know you were made for me. I will wait forever to marry you if I have to I could not imagine having a more perfect match for me then you are :) I love you with all my heart safe trip home honey xxxxxxxxxx

23rd May Fiancée Goes Home.

Today we got up at 5am Kevin had to go back to the U.S.A. today. We spent 4 weeks together Kevin done so much he looked after me and the kids did washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, came to all the hospital appointments with me spent every second that he could with me and made me very very happy I would have been so lost without him. It was very sad having to leave him at the airport I was very upset. Life sucks without him! If anyone has bad luck it's me, that saying "luck of the Irish" does not apply to me. Seriously how can anyone be that unlucky in life!

Chemo starts in a few weeks and I don't know how I will get through any of it without Kevin by my side! he has been a blessing from god to me and I cant bare to be without him. After everything we have been through in just over 2 years in my opinion we deserve to be together more then anyone.

19th May 2010 Trip To Cancer Day Ward.

Today I went to the cancer day ward in the hospital my fiancée came with me. The doctor just had a look at the wound and said they cant start the treatment till the wound heals so I have to go back in 3 weeks time to see if treatment can start. They tried to take blood a few times on the third attempt they managed to get some. They organised for me to have a heart trace and and something to do with dye and a different heart test. Got some more special gel to make the wound heal quicker and it is working.
The blood tests can only be taken from the right arm because the left arm has to be protected I asked for how long and was told for a long time.

16-05-2010. Daughter's Communion.

Today my Daughter woke us up at 6am she was really excited about her communion. She looked like a little princess and was stunning. We went to the church then visited family then took her for dinner. She went shopping had a ball spending all her money and bought herself a bike and lots of bits and pieces. She had a great day. We took loads of pictures of her.

I was pretty tired after hours of shopping and slept for hours when we got home. I felt pretty good and didn't need to take any pain killers was just tired from the long day out. Everybody was staring at her telling her she looked like a princess the smile on her face all day was priceless.

Today was a very special day and even more special that my fiancée was able to be here for my daughters special day she was very very happy. What more could I ask for :)

Monday 26th April Coming Home.

This morning the doctor came to see me and I said I wanted to go home and that I would empty the drains myself and measure what was in them they wanted me to stay another day and doctors were appearing from all over the place but I just wanted to go home and get some good rest and be with my fiancée and children so they agreed to let me home. I was really pleased to be going home 3 days in the hospital felt like 3 weeks. I got home everyone was pleased I was out and I didn't or still don't have to do a thing. Kevin is taking great care of me and the kids he is doing an amazing job with everything and everyone. He has been such a blessing to me I don't know how I would have got through anything if he had not have been by my side all the way through this. He definitely has been my strength, medicine and support to get better. I'm really blessed and lucky to have kevin he means the world to me.

Sunday 25th April In Hospital.

Sunday morning bright and early Kevin came to see me and stayed with me most of the day which was cool the hospital food was awful and I was tired from been woke up by the nurses all hours of the night for checks, blood tests, pain killers. I was really uncomfortable in the bed and sore and stiff from sleeping and not been able to turn in my sleep my chest was still really really numb at that point I just wanted out I was thinking I would get more rest at home and no one would be waking me up all the time. I spent most of the Sunday out doors with my fiancée, kids and family.

I would just go back to the ward for medicine and leave again. When it was time for visitors to leave I would be all fed up and missing Kevin so would try and sleep so the next morning would come quicker. I did not like been in hospital one bit and I was on a mission to go home as soon as possible. Kevin had me spoiled I had so many hot chocolate drinks and chocolate croissants much better then the hospital food they were dishing out.