Thursday 29th July Castle Hotel Stay Out :)

Yesterday kevin and I went to Clontarf Castle for a late birthday treat because I was to sick to go last week. The hotel was a five star stunning Castle Hotel. Kevin booked an executive sweet with a romantic package. When we arrived we were offered tea and coffee while they were doing up the room. Talk about been spoiled when we got to the room it had a four poster bed with fresh rose petals in the shape of a heart, Box of chocolates mixed with white and dark chocolates, Bottle of champagne with 2 flute glasses, jet shower, mirrors all around the room, flat screen TV in the wall. The room was very romantic and posh. I was very impressed. We had a total day of relaxation and stress free it was very romantic. We both dressed up had a lovely 3 course dinner. Took loads of photo's I felt like a princess for the day. There were big statue's of lions outside the hotel and pictures of lions inside the hotel. You could stand on the 5th balcony and look right down to the ground floor. The staff were very friendly and polite I would definitely recommend a stay there. It was definitely special in fact the best birthday ever for me.

Sunday 25TH Of July.

Today I woke up early and have a cold I must have caught it from someone. I'm still learning new things about cancer all the time. I have figured out how the Chemo is effecting me and for how long after. It seems to take me a week to recover from the Chemo and it makes me feel sick, weak, tired and my mouth gets very dry for about 8 days. My hands and feet are not sore and my nails are fine so far to. Even though my hair is falling out and my head has been shaved twice I can still feel hair on my head and still have my eye lashes and eyebrows. That tells me I'm doing pretty good overall. Kevin has been here nearly 2 weeks already and I get plenty of rest and I'm well looked after. I don't have much energy to be out and about and if I go out for a few hours I tend to be totally wrecked and do sleep for hours after. I don't think the 2 younger kids actually realize just how sick I am. They want me to go places that I don't feel up to going. Chemo is a pretty hard thing to go through for anyone it's so not nice. I will be very happy when I reach my last Chemo session. I can honesty say I feel for anyone going through Chemo and would not wish it on anybody.

Wednesday 21st July My Birthday.

Today I got up at 6.30am Got to the hospital for 8 am didn't have to wait that long the nurses were wishing me happy birthday. The Herceptin took half an hour then myself and my Fiancée were out of there like a shot nice and early. Had some visitor's for my birthday then went out for a few hours with Kevin we had dinner out and apple pie and custard for desert it was lovely then came home and crashed out for hours I was so tired slept for hours then went back to sleep for hours again. I got a new phone, T-shirt, charm bracelet, Earrings, chocolate, vases, money, so I'd say that was a pretty good day :). And I get to celebrate it in style next week when I'm feeling stronger.

4 Days After The Second Big Chemo Session.

Today is the 4th day after the second big Chemo session and I'm feeling very rough and ill. I feel sick all the time and I don't get to sleep for longer then 3 hours if I'm lucky. I am learning that the Chemo is whats making me lose my taste in food and drinks and not the salt. With my hair falling out to it makes me feel more upset. People are saying I'm strong and I can get through this but I have to say it is not one bit easy. Everyone handles things different and some are braver then others and can cope better then others. My body is still numb months later after surgery where the breast was removed, I feel very weak and shaky and sick. Not only do I have to fight for life but emotions to I don't think anyone plain sails through cancer. feelings of self esteem are non existent. The wig must be one of the most annoying things to wear ever. No one can understand what a person really truly feels unless they go through the same thing.
I have been crying for months on end now and still do. Every day is hard to get through and I cope the best way I can. What I think is why the hell did it have to happen to me and have I not suffered enough in life with getting smashed into by a 7 and a half ton lorry to. How much does a person have to suffer and for how long. I do fight things I'd have given up long ago by now if I wasn't a fighter but it doesn't make things any easier for me.

Rest Of My Hair Is Starting To Fall Out.

The rest of my hair is starting to fall out now even though I shaved it all off nearly down to nothing. It is falling out in little bits not all out together which is cool and I'm not bothered by it yet maybe when it is all gone. I knew it was going to start falling out any day now cause it has been 3 weeks since my first big Chemo session and with the second big Chemo session today i'm sure it will start to fall out quicker now.
I'm still trying to prepare myself with having no hair I know thats going to feel a bit crazy considering I have had long black lovely hair for years. I miss all my hair been gone but guess thats all in the process of getting better even though I don't like it.
Kevin loved my long hair to and he has been great about everything and been very supportive through out everything. I would be totally lost without him.

Big Chemo Session Today. :(

Today is my long Chemo day Taxotere, Herceptin, Carboplatin, went to the hospital this morning waited to have bloods done as usual they couldn't get any blood from the first vein so had to try another one. Kevin came with me which was lovely having him beside me. I got to go home for a couple of hours while they have the Chemo made up. I have to go back to the hospital for 2pm to have the Chemo Kevin will be with me and I hope I don't have another reaction from the Taxotere. The steroids kept me awake till 4am and I'm really tired and cranky today and got to sit in that hospital for 3 and a half hours :( from 2 till half 5. I am home now the treatment went good today no reactions at all and the time went by really quick having Kevin with me we played cards so the time would go by quicker and I don't feel as tired as i did this morning guess it is the steroids kicking in again. In general I feel pretty good so far till tomorrow anyway. I am so pleased I did not react to the Taxotere again.

Kevin Is On His Way To Me :)

Kevin is on his second flight now from the usa. I have been very down lately and I'm so looking forward to tomorrow morning when he arrives. I have missed him so much and find it hard to cope without him. Today has been the first day in ages that I have been happy and thats because I know he is on the way to me. Kevin has 3 flights to get here and it's a very long journey so I hope he doesn't get any problems in the airport in the morning. I am going to meet him and I cant wait to see him again. It will be great to have him with me. Today has been very long the time is going by so slowly I think I got up to early this morning. I have to get up at 4am to get ready and I'm really excited. Even though it is not that long since Kevin was here it feels like it has been forever. I got up this morning in a great mood for a change and I'll be happy until it's time for kevin to leave again. I feel like we have a fairy tale romance I know it sounds crazy but it's true I am mad about kevin he is my dream Fiancée. Roll on tomorrow :)

My Head Is Sore From The Wig !!!!!

My hair has still not started to fall out not that I want it to. I shaved my hair off so it would not be to devastating to see and I started wearing the wig to get used to it for when I had no hair. My head has been very sore the last few days and I think it's from wearing the wig all day. I would still recommend people shaving their hair off before it comes out in clumps but maybe waiting a week or 2 after the Chemo starts and not before unlike me. I am still expecting it to fall out any day now and I still think it will be very hard for me to deal with. One thing that helps is I know Kevin loves me no matter what I look like or what happens to me. The wig gets very hot and its quite tight but have to say I thought it blow off in the wind but it didn't it stayed put which was great. I do like the look of the wig it couldn't match my own hair any better then it does. It takes a lot of getting used to and I'm not sure I'm used to it yet. In saying that I would not leave the house without wearing it no matter how sore my head is. It amazes me how well they are made and how real they look even the staff in the hospital didn't know it wasn't my real hair. At the end of the day it is a relief to be able to take it off and let my head relax a bit.

So How Do I Really Feel About Cancer?

I'm angry and fed up and don't feel like a woman! my hair should be falling out this week or next week at the latest. I'm devastated having to loose my hair, having a breast removed spending everyday not feeling normal. Plus the fact that I'm 38 yrs old sucks. Chemotherapy can bring on the menopause so possibly that to look forward to as well. So how does a person cope with all that? Plus the fact Kevin is in another country doesn't help either or not been able to be upset around the children or family in case I upset someone else. Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and it doesn't get any easier to cope with. Everyone tells me how strong I am I don't see it. Inside I feel like falling to pieces. One thing I do know Is that I am a fighter and I'm not going to give up. I also know there are thousands of people in the world fighting Cancer and all different ages to and I feel for everyone going through it. I have to put up a big front all the time when really it's so very hard to cope with. I feel like I deserve a brake and have been through enough to last a life time. My life has to get better at some point it just has to!

Hospital Visit Today Was Herceptin Only.

Today I got to the hospital at 8.30am waited 2 hours before I was called for treatment. The treatment itself didn't take that long just all the waiting around does. I didn't even have to see the doctor today. I'm still feeling down since yesterday I could not even keep it together having the treatment tears were just streaming down my face. The nurse asked me how I was coping and I said I'm coping fine just sometimes I have days were I am a bit down and she said I am going to have days like that and it's ok to feel that way and that Cancer is not an easy thing to cope with. That I think I know and it is not one bit easy for me. She asked how I felt after having the mastectomy I said I'm ok some days it gets me down but i'm alive. I'm living for Monday when Kevin gets back to me I feel very depressed without him and it's much harder to cope with when he has to leave. I'm starting to feel better health wise and it's nearly time for the next big Chemo session it's next week. She asked about my injury's I said they were from an accident and she said and you have Cancer on top of that. You have been through the mill and I thought to myself you have no idea. I should come out of all this as strong as superwoman there is only so much a person can take.