For You Mum xxxx

This blog is for you mum. You have always been there for me in my life no matter what I have gone through. You have stuck by my side through thick and thin. I couldn't ask for a better Mum.

No matter what happens I know your there for me and having your love and support means a lot to me. I know this cant be easy for you. I want you to know I love you and always will xxxxx.

I know your praying for me around the clock and hopefully luck will be on our side.

All we can do is hope and wait.

Whats On My Mind.

There are lots of things on my mind. So many questions and thoughts. I'm writing whats on my mind and whatever I want to. I know the first step is to get through the breast cancer test and go from there but seriously do you think that stops a person thinking beyond the test?

I'm to young to die and I want to see my children grow up and be able to have my dream wedding.

What if it is bad news how would you tell your children that? This is an important year for them with exams, first holy communion. They don't have a clue whats going on and I pray to god that I never have to tell them. I have to leave the room that they are in when I cant keep it together.

Another thing going through my mind is why me I'm sure everyone thinks the same when something horrible goes wrong. I cant be that unlucky in life surely!

Waiting

I think the worst part of all this is the waiting. Not known anything at all, you have to wait for the appointment, wait for the test, wait for the results and in the mean time go out of your mind with worry. So how is that supposed to help you think positive?

If the shoe was on the other foot would you be as positive as people expect you to be? These last few days of waiting for things to happen has felt like years not days. I am a worrier and nothing anyone says stops me from worrying. All the waiting and not known has so many thoughts rushing through my mind. Everyone is just waiting for the results!

Waiting is not as easy as it seems. I have to wait to see if my fiancée can be by my side to. Seems to be all one big waiting game to me and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

If I get through all this with a good outcome then i'd have a top selling book to write!

Kevin Your My Rock.

This blog is especially for you Kevin. You think you can't do enough as in support cause your half way around the world and just "on screen" well let me tell you something you couldn't be more supportive even if you tried. You have kept me going in so many ways you just have no idea what having you means to me. I know in my own heart and soul you would be here today with me if you could be. You keep me from giving up hope. Yes I do have support from family and people around me but there is nothing greater than the support of your loved one!

I know it is not easy for you to go through all this and your trying to be strong for me. I can read you like a book and I know when your upset. I will find some way for you to be able to be here with me then we can fight this together no matter what the out come is and make it to our dream wedding. I do admire you so much and think your amazing and thank you for standing by me.

I love you xxxxxxx

My Goals In Life.

I think having goals in life is a good thing my goals in life are not completed yet. Everybody has goals in life even if they are just little ones. I have completed two of my goals so far and have two goals left to achieve.

First one I achieved was finding Kevin. He is someone that actually really loves me and it took me a long time to find him but finally I have the man of my dreams.

Second one I achieved was going to see the falls in Canada. It might not seem much to some people but it was a dream come true for me.

My next two goals are to live long enough to get married to my dream guy Kevin and to see my children make it to adulthood.

If it turns out bad news that I do have breast cancer then I will fight to the very end with my goals in mind.

Think Positive.

People keep telling me to think positive and I try to but I cant. So many thoughts are going around in my head, so many questions and no answers yet. Another day waiting to hear from the hospital.

I don't know if it is possible for people not to think the worst if I tell myself I'm going to get the all clear and it turns out bad news then it would be harder to cope with. If I try prepare for the worst and I get good news then I will be the happiest person ever.

People say I should keep busy and do things to keep my mind from thinking the worst. No matter what I do it stays on my mind and if it was someone else would they not be thinking the same way as I do or is it just me that thinks that way?

I like to write and say whats on my mind. I think it helps a little bit the hard part is all the waiting and not knowing and not been able to do anything about it.

Who says long distance relationships don't work?

Who says long distance relationships don't work? nobody can say thats a fact. Granted they don't work for everybody but there are plenty of couples that do actually make it.

We have been through hell and back in the last 2 years but our love is so deep we get through everything that comes up. We fight things together and both put in effort to make our relationship work. People might think it's not good starting one in the first place but in my case I can answer that. I didn't plan to start a long distance relationship it just happened you don't choose who you fall in love with it finds you. I don't trust anybody. As I got to know Kevin I knew he was a person I could trust with anything and my actual soul mate.

I was crazy about him and two years later I feel the same as I did back then. I would not swap him for the world. Having someone that loves you back makes all the difference. If you have the right person willing to put in time and effort then it can work!

No Regrets

I do not regret getting into a long distance relationship with my fiancée he is the best person I could ever wish for. If I had to do it all over again from the start I would. He has helped me to accomplish goals in my life that I never would have done without him. If two people love each other that much then why shouldn't we be together? this is just me venting. I'm no one special just your ordinary everyday mum and like to write how I think. I don't wish to be rich or famous and I ask of nothing except to able to get the support I need and have the love of my life with me. Do you think thats to much to ask for? I honestly didn't believe there was a thing called true love till I met Kevin. I used to ask people that question all the time and now I do believe it does exist!

If I could have a wish of anything in the world that I wanted it would be to have kevin by my side.

March 2010. How I'm feeling.

It's been 4 days since I found a lump in my breast, the 4 days feel like 4 years I'm depressed as hell simple everyday things seem so hard to cope with and do. How does someone cope with news like that? waiting in fear every day to find out if you have cancer, how long your going to live, if you can be cured or not, if your going to see your kids grow up. Kevin is the love of my life how is he supposed to cope with the news? he can't be by my side which is where he desperately wants to be.

All he can do right now is be on screen for me. What I wouldn't give to be able to cry in his arms and have him with me at the hospital appointments. Sometimes I think life sucks bad finally met my true love and the man of my dreams and we can't be together. We can't get married till 2012 and I don't know if i'm going to live that long at this point. I have been crying for 4 days all I can think about is getting Kevin to be here with me and if i'm going to die. There has got to be a way surely someone somewhere can do something. I can't eat, focus, stop crying feel like the world is on my shoulders. So what would people do in my situation?